I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
March 01, 2012 - 10:36 a.m.
If it hadn't rained I'd have made a pilgrimage to Trader Joe's yesterday. As it was I just went to the local supermarket to overpay for what I wanted for dinner. I had my heart set on plantain-adouille sausage-garlic soup and decided to bite the bullet and pay Key Food prices. I already had the plaintain in the house so I needed the sausage and some bread to go with it. Then when I was halfway home I realized I forgot to get the beef broth and had to go back. Have I mentioned that I'm an idiot? I made two variations from the first time I made it; adouille sausage for kielbasa and I used a green not yellow plantain. The sausage was a big improvement but I liked it better with the yellow plantain. This did come out as more of a soup. With the yellow plantain when I mixed in the sausage and cheese the plantain turned into mashed plantain and absorbed all the broth. Either way it's fantastic. I love cooking to exactly my taste. Next time I have to try the good jerk seasoning that I bought at the holiday market not what I bought at the supermarket.
I'm sure you all know that Davy Jones died yesterday. I've called the Monkees a guilty pleasure. In fact my first interaction with Carey was her castigating me for that. The guilt is perhaps uncalled for the pleasure is undeniable. I loved the Monkees as a kid and I still love it when I watch it in reruns. The music still makes me happy. Davy was my least favorite Monkee but that is a right handed insult. There are no bad Monkees. So many of my friends posted about his death on FB. It somehow seems shocking. It's because in our minds he was eternally youthful. Despite the gray hair and wrinkles you could always see the little boy smiling at you. When Whitney Houston died it didn't affect me at all. I felt no worse about her death than all the people that I don't know at all. There was no connection. When Davy Jones died I felt it. He was part of my youth. He was still part of my life. He's the automatic segue from David Bowie when Carey and I play on turntable.fm. He was fun.
I had a bad day yesterday. What made it bad? I couldn't get myself to do any of the things I needed to do. I hate when this happens to me. I don't know why it happens. Now I have to race and write the practice test for my class this morning after I write this. That actually fits in with two items from my idea bin. I often talk about the cost of doing business with someone. I know that I have a substantial cost. Too often I freeze up and don't do what I need to do and disappoint people. The thing is that the person that pays for the most for this is myself. The cost is not social, my friends seem to forgive me, but the direct damage I do myself by procrastinating.
I look at my friends and see how many hurt themselves. There I tend to see the social costs. I have a zillion friends but I'm still often lonely. It isn't from being alone. It isn't from living alone. I like my alone time. I have too much of it but I still appreciate it. I get lonely because I currently don't have a type of friend that I need. That isn't because of my cost of doing business. It is just the way things are working out now. I know it can take years but I know that things can change. I might meet someone new. A friendship I already have might develop that way.
For some people their loneliness is not an accident. What I think of as a cost of doing business with them is actually them building walls. They keep people away while at the same time hate being alone. Just as with me the cost of doing business hurts themselves more than it hurts others. I sometimes give advice and try to help but it will be of no more use than good advice is to me. I know what I have to do, I just can't do it. I bet they feel the same way.
Lonely people always affect me. I try to reach out to those that I can feel a connection to but for too many. While I like people and go out of my way to talk to people that are peripheral in my life that isn't the same as spending serious time with them. I love my little conversations with the security guard at school and the guy that sells me pretzels and the kid that works in the produce store but the key word is little.
OK now to get some work done and make breakfast.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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