I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

May 06, 2015 - 12:42 p.m.

A light for when all other lights go out

Wow it's hard to get it started today. That's largely because I don’t know what I'm going to write about. I have not been going out much and I haven't been talking to people. So you know what yesterday's big events was? I started my first pitcher of cold brew iced coffee. It was hot yesterday. I was wearing shorts. I even turned the air conditioner on. I am in fact still wearing shorts but I'm cold and should put on long pants. OK I'll do that right now. That's better. I also put on slipper socks. The hoodie is next.
Sometimes I don't write about things because I don't want to create tension with another person. I think enough time has passed to mention a little incliident that I annoyed the heck of out me and I think points to an interesting mind set. I was on a long line. Someone announced "cutting" and just cut in the line as if saying that made it OK. Nobody wanted to make a scene, we all know the person to some degree, and it wasn't a stranger, so we just let it go. But what is that person thinking? Remember my rule that all people of unknown gender are she. What was she thinking? That's easier to write. Does she think that if you went in a bank and say "robbing the bank" it would make it OK? Is it total solipsism? Does she not realize other people exist? No idea. It was just so blatant that I felt the need to talk about it. It's not something you see every day. People try and sneak in unnoticed, sure. People will make believe they don’t know they are cutting. Hey sometimes they don’t know they are cutting. I did that in a huge line to register in college. It turned through one more corner than I realized. To ask if you can join someone you know is different. But to just announce you are going to do something anti-social and do it?

Hold on. I was supposed to write something positive here. That was today's mission, to write something positive to make me feel good. If it makes you feel good, that will make me feel even better.

I listen to a lot of live music. I know a lot of people. What I have found is that on some level I relate to people and music the same way. Some are good, some are bad. Some I like, some I don't. I don't have that strong a feeling towards most people or music. But then there are the few that shine with their own light. Being with those people and hearing that music makes the world a different place. Now I know it's not totally objective. But it's not totally subjective either. There is so much that most people can agree on. Yes I'm sometimes dumbfounded, musicians that to me are indistinguishable from crowd are some people's favorite. That's often because of the circumstances that have nothing to do with the music or the person. It was being at the right place at the right time.

There is nothing better for me than seeing that inner light. I can sit here and think of both music and people that make me feel like nothing or no one else. They are unique. That's a part of it. And it's what confuses me when people sing the praises of music that is generic. The best people and the best music aren’t like anything else. You don’t describe them with comparisons.

I'm not going to try and write more. I could. At least I tell myself I could. But right now I'm feeling hopeless. Oh hell. I'll come clean. I can't afford therapy any more. I can't afford much of anything. I guess it's better you know than me having to make up excuses.

I wrote about shining from within so I should end with a quote from The Lord of the Rings

'And you, Ring-bearer,’ she said, turning to Frodo. ‘I come to you last who are not last in my thoughts. For you I have prepared this.’ She held up a small crystal phial: it glittered as she moved it, and rays of white light sprang from her hand. ‘In this phial,’ she said, ‘is caught the light of Eärendil’s star, set amid the waters of my fountain. It will shine still brighter when night is about you. May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out. Remember Galadriel and her Mirror!’
I think about that a lot.





Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017



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Horvendile May 06, 2015
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