I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
December 05, 2013 - 11:51 a.m.
Not much sleep tonight but let's see if I can still write. OK I wrote "right" the first time. That does not bode well.
The conflict between what I want to write and people want to read was highlighted yesterday. My last entry is the reason I blog but people didn't want to read it. I don't have it in me to sell out. Of course if I actually made money from people reading this it might be different. But what's the point of feeding my ego if it's getting people to read a fake version of myself?
Yesterday I fought with myself and won but it was a tough battle. My original plan was to see Miss Tess's CD release show with Kristin Andreassen opening at Joe's pub. Great plan. I bought my ticket. One little problem the show is next week. I have it down on my calendar twice, once with the right date. At least it explains why it wasn't on my calendar when I checked after buying my ticket. Have I mentioned that I'm an idiot? You'd think I'd remember that but, well, I AM an idiot.
After school I met Jess for a snack. She was in town for the Jesse Terry CD release show that I couldn't go to because of the Miss Tess concert. You know the one that is next week. Look I'm a Time Lord, time is not as linear as it is for you people.
I met her and we went to some pig restaurant in Chelsea near where she's staying. I had pig. It's a restaurant that serves pig to eat, not that caters to a porcine clientele. I ate it on the High Line. Believe it or not I was never there before. Then I headed home.
Now I knew that I didn't have the Miss Tess concert because Kristin had said it was next week the night before. I should have just planned on going to see Jesse but I had a massive anxiety attack. So I went home. I told Jess I might go to the show. I knew I'd have a ton of friends there.
I gave myself an excuse to going home, paying my rent. I went to the bank, got the money, and took it home. I have overcome my paying the rent anxiety and knocked on the landlady's door to pay her. Of course she wasn't home and she still has not picked up the money but it is an actual accomplishment that I did it.
Then I went on the computer and overcame more anxiety and bought my bus tickets to Boston for the weekend. I'm going to the Pesky J. Nixon/Muppets/John Denver Christmas spectacular and crashing with Ethan. I hope it's all on ice. I have known I've been going since it was booked. I could have gotten my ticket so much cheaper if I had bought it back then.
Ohere is what goes on in my head during an anxiety attack that involves people. My thoughts were that I'd go to the show with all these people that I know and love and would be totally ignored and stand alone in a corner. Now this has actually happened so it isn't totally in my head, but of course that probably wouldn't happen if I wasn't radiating anxiety to my friends. So what did I do? I bent the spoon. You'll have to read my last entry to get that. I patted myself on the back for the rent and buying the tickets and told myself I could go to the show and see my friends and be social and they'd all talk to me. So I did it. I dragged my feet but I went.
I got to Rockwood and there was a line to get in. I looked for my friends and couldn't see them, but I took two steps and I did. Mike and Gian had their backs to me and were blocking Jess, Marci, and Honor. so I went straight of he front of the line. Of course the place was already packed before we went in and I had to stand. I don't really mind that that much. Who else was there that I knew? Glenn was at the same table and I saw Gail and lots of other people who are totally escaping me. I of course knew almost everyone in the show, Jesse was backed by Abbie, Mark, Craig, Jeremiah, and a drummer that I didn't know. This was a total home game for me.
Jesse and the band rocked. I think that's a better description than folked. Well OK they folk-rocked. An advantage to standing is that I can dance. Well OK I just sort of bopped in place. I took a picture.
All you can see is the head of Mark's guitar.
Now I can't see well and Rockwood is very dark but I thought I saw Katherine's hair at the opposite end of the stage in what I call the phone booth. Now I knew she'd be there so I figured she was attached to the hair. Then she got up and moved and I lost her. next thing I knew there was a tap on my shoulder. That was her attached to the hair. We said hi and she gave me her bag when she went on stage to sing with Jesse. I had to make sure it matched my outfit first. it did. I would not be caught dead holding a purse that didn't go with what I was wearing. Marci went onstage too. I took another pic,.
After the show we all went to the back room. Everyone I knew went into another dimension for a bit as I followed them. I stopped to talk to Ben, who I had met at NERFA. But they were right ahead of me. But when I got to the backroom they weren't there. But then they came in a bit later. Maybe this was me being a Time Lord again.
So the big topic of discussion in the backroom was the location of the after party. Nobody knew where Hill and Dale the venue was. Then it got changed to right next door at the Irish Pub whose name I'm blanking on. Katherine and I spread the word. Then I lost people again. I decided to try the pub and there was Mike, Katherine, Lisa, Oh right Lisa! I knew I forgot people before, and a couple of people I didn't know. I joined them. The grownups ordered drinks. I had a warm brownie with ice cream.
Later we were joined by Jeremiah and Pam and Jesse and Jessie, Jesse's wife and lots of people I didn't know. I had fun with my friends. I got friendly with strangers. Jessie or is from New Zealand and a friend of hers from Australia was there. He brought his friend, Jessie's brother, a beer. I thought he was a waiter and asked him for water. He told me that he didn't work there. I apologized. Then he got me water! So now I owe him a blood debt. I told him that if he's ever in trouble just call my name and I'll teleport across the globe and save his life.
I also met someone that I talked about Coptic Christians and James Michner's The Source with.
Mike, Katherine, and I walked to the subway together. The closest station was closed so it was a longer walk than usual. Mike went the opposite way to Penn Station and Katherine and I headed out to Brooklyn. We take the same train till Atlantic.
I'm glad I made the right choice and went to the show instead of staying at home and stewing in my own juices. I thought about the time when I went but kept up the barriers and spent the evening alone even though I was with friends and had to call Carey when I got back and tell her, "I need love." Ok here's the thing that just struck me. That's a good memory. What stays with me is not the isolation but Carey cheering me up. It isn't all about bending the spoons but so much of it is.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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