I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
June 28, 2016 - 10:30 a.m.
I started writing before the WFUV Question of the Day was over; that counts as a victory. Funny thing I didn't do much yesterday but I feel like I did. Does that mean I have something to write about? It depends on how willing I am to discuss my therapy and introspections. I won't know that till I start writing. I guess I could be introspective about it but I know that in this type of thing I'm better just letting things flow.
I know I can write about last night, I watched the Met game. It was a debacle. My favorite met Noah Syndergaard got bombed. The team played poorly. It is not easy being a Met fan. The essence of being a fan is that you die a little each time the team loses but life is sweeter every time they win. It's a lot like love.
I made poached eggs for the first time in ages yesterday. I missed that. I'm going to have it again today. For dinner I had a peanut butter and bacon sandwich. It's been ages since I've had that too.
For once I had great timing coming out of my program. The key was the 45 bus left New Rochelle on time and that let me catch an earlier BX29. That would have let me get home at least 15 minutes earlier than usual but instead as it was a beautiful day I took the bus to the unexplored south end of City Island. I was like Lewis and Clark, if the Louisiana Territory was filled with seafood restaurants. I walked up from the southern tip till where I live right in the middle of the island. It's not a very big island.
You'd think living on an Island there's be lots of places to walk on the water. There isn't. The waterfront is almost all privately owned. I walked down to the end of one street and not only was it private property but the owners put up hedges so you can't see the water. On the next block up I could see the water. It looked like this.
But the other side didn't say nothin'.
That made me consider zoning, property rights, and public access. A pure libertarian would say that people can do whatever they want with their property. A pure socialist would say that everything must be done in the interest of society as a whole. Doctrinaire libertarians and socialists are intellectually lazy. Neither viewpoint is right. Neither libertarianism or socialism are virtues or evils. They are competing values that must be balanced depending on the situation. As far as waterfront property is concerned I think a mix is best. It can't be all private, everyone should be able to see the water but it's fine for some of it to be private so people can have privacy. Personally I would never do what the person with the hedges did; I'd let others see the beautiful view.
I'm staying with Jane and Bernie and usually I have nothing but praise but I must criticize Jane today. Yesterday she denied an obvious truth, that she's the nicest person in the world. I was an idiot and forgot to refill my MetroCard. I have single ride cards but those are not good on Westchester busses so I can't take it to get to or from the New Rochelle train station. So my plan was to take the bus to the end of the and refill my card at the station and catch the 45 from there. The thing is that would have meant leaving more than three hours before my appointment. So Jane insisted on driving me to the station, waited while I refilled my card, and then drove me to New Rochelle. I ended up getting there quite a bit early but I ran into two of my friends who graduated from the program and were there for other programs so we sat and talked.
Time to talk about therapy. It was still not a regular therapy session. Yesterday we made a treatment plan. Even though it's primary purpose was not therapeutic I think she helped me more than any session with my old therapist. She did such a great job in framing my issues which helped me think about them. So here's where sharing becomes difficult. I'll say it in general terms. Most of my depressive episodes have been triggered by the same sort of interpersonal issues. She didn't suggest anything but her questions led me to more productive lines of thought. It will lesson my regret. She also helped with my anxiety, dividing my coping mechanisms into helpful and harmful ones. Yes, I knew all this, it's obvious. What she did was hold my hand as I went through them so that facing them did not trigger anxiety.
I just read my treatment plan, I thought I might be able to use some of it here but most of it is too full of jargon or too personal. I do like that among my strengths she said I'm insightful. Yes, I think I am but it's validating to hear it from a professional. Some of the evaluations are a bit scary. I've shared most of that here and won't rehash it. It's not pleasant.
I have to go into the City today, that's always something I look forward too even with nothing special planned. I could stay and till the evening and see Miss Tess and Julia Haltigan. Tess has a new album out but I have to watch my money. I should have written her in advance and asked if I can merch. Oh well. It's been a rough time for me and asking can sometimes be difficult. You should go, Julia goes on at 7:30 and Tess at 8:00 at the Mercury Lounge.
Now for my poached eggs and ham on an English muffin.
Oh great, WUMB is playing a song from the new Miss Tess album. It's so good. Sigh, I will be good and resist going.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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