I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

June 15, 2017 - 3:54 p.m.

Insecure and Entitled

I thought I wasn't going to have time to write today but now I do. I didn't do much yesterday so writing is a challenge. I can't update again till tomorrow night so I'm not going to skip the day. I have some ideas.

We are having another house guest tonight, she arrived this morning, so I had to clean up my midden room. The space where I spend all my time is where the bed is. You might have picked up that I hate cleaning my room thus the confusion with a midden. Remind me to discuss this with my therapist tomorrow. If you don't and I forget it's your fault. I might be nuts but I recognize when my behavior is problematic.

The highlight of the day was going to Lickity Split and getting not my usual cone but a hot fudge sundae. That would be a highlight of many days. I'm so fortunate that my current metabolism doesn't let me get fat. I haven't weighed myself in ages but I'm pretty sure I weigh between 170 and 175 lbs. I'm not eating as much as when I weighed 240 lbs but more than when I weighed 195 lbs. My body has a mind of its own and it has changed its mind many times over my life. It makes it clear to me that weight is not a choice and fat shaming is bigotry. Not that I need personal experience to recognize bigotry. This just gave me insight to something where it's not obvious. Weight is partially under our control, it's nice like race, gender, and ethnicity.

A friend of mine messaged me and asked if I were annoyed with her. That's the opposite of how I feel. I get worried about people I care about me being angry at or annoyed by me. I was going to joke that it is because I'm annoying but it's not a joke. I'm insecure about this. The friend who thought I was annoyed is exceptionally talented, accomplished, intelligent, and kind. I feel terrible that I accidentally made her feel that way. It's why I go out of my way to let others know when I like, love, or respect them or their work. I'd much rather err on the side of gushing than reticence. There's another part of me that feels better knowing that talented, accomplished, intelligent, kind people can have the same insecurities I do. Maybe I'm not annoying. Sigh, at least one person just said, "No, you are," to him or herself. That's not insecurity. I'd bet the farm on that.

Clearwater is this weekend. They have a tremendous lineup. I can't afford to go and have not been able to get any comps. I have to fight the feeling of entitlement that's telling me that I should be able to go because I'm me. When people don't have money, they can't do many things. That's one reason it's good to have money. I have no trouble accepting this in every other aspect of my life but I've grown accustomed to seeing all the music I want. I don't go to the big venue shows by stars but everything else. That doesn't create an easement. The universe does not owe me a thing. I know that in my bones … except with this.

I do get to go to the Met game tonight. Jane was given comps! I have to get there on my own power but I will get a ride home with her. Then I have to go straight to bed. Tomorrow is WFUV's one day pledge drive and I have to be there at 6:00. Then I have therapy. That's why I can't write again till tomorrow night. This is the flip side of feeling entitled. I feel obliged to volunteer and go in ridiculously early. I wouldn't think of not going if it's at all possible. It's all part of being me.






Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017



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Horvendile June 15, 2017
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