I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

July 18, 2014 - 11:50 a.m.

Midnight Radio

For not much reason I underwent a phase change and I'm deep in the anxiety zone. I did not go past my kitchen all day. I'm not agoraphobic at all, often when I get like this I deliberately go out to break out of it. I was just feeling lethargic and had no pressing reason to leave. I should have done laundry but that wasn't pressing enough. There's a pun in there someplace.

I was OK in the morning because I was talking to Katrina. She is pretty much stress free to talk to. But it built up all day and became overwhelming. I had to medicate but I don't have any medication. Getting ice cream would have meant getting up and that was too hard so followed the wisdom of William Congreve.

Musick has Charms to sooth a savage Breast,
To soften Rocks, or bend a knotted Oak.

First I listened to "Not While I'm Around" from Sweeney Todd.

Then I took out the heavy artillery and listened to the entire original cast album of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. As soon as I hear

Ladies and Gentlemen whether you like it or not Hedwig!
Don't you know me? I'm the new Berlin Wall try and tear me down!
my spirits rise. Hell I'm going to listen again as I write this. I had a friend who said that Hedwig was too gay for her. That wasn't homophobic, it was just saying she couldn't relate to it as I might about a story centered on Catholicism. But she's still wrong. Hedwig isn't about being gay. It's about overcoming adversity. It's Cinderella and that's the most universal story template. Hedwig, Hansel at the time, wasn't even transgender. He didn't feel that he was really a woman. He was a gay man that had a sex change operation as part of a desperate attempt to marry an American GI and get out of East Germany. If same-sex marriage were legal in East German Hansel would have never become Hedwig. But he had the operation, it got botched, and she made the best of it.

Not only did listening make me feel better it gave me the idea to suggest to a favorite band of mine that they cover of the songs. I won't say more as I don't want somebody else to beat them to it.

My mood was better when I finished but I was still not right. So then I moved to food therapy. I had the Cajun chicken planned all day but instead of making roasted potatoes I gave myself the special treat of frying the potatoes. I never do that. I don't even have proper oil for it. I had to use olive oil. It's healthier but not the ideal oil for frying, the smoking point is too low and it's expensive. Peanut Oil is the best for making fries. Then for dessert I made myself an ice cream soda. I really know how to take care of my psyche if not my body.

I finished off the evening watching Highlander the TV series not the movie. I accomplished nothing. I'm still running from things I have to do but at least I'm not shaking. Not shaking is a good thing.

I was going to say that tomorrow's my birthday but I enjoyed this exchange with Carey too much.

Me: And you know what tomorrow is?
Carey: Yes. A spiny anteater's birthday.
Me: Hatching day; we come from eggs, Kinder Eggs
. I get anxiety around my birthday many years but it has nothing to do with getting older. First off I'm not afraid of aging or death. Secondly I know that I get older every day not just on my birthday. I won't get into why I get anxiety but I'll say that last year I didn't. It is related to circumstances.

Every year on Festivus and my birthday I hope for an official Red Ryder carbine action bb gun with a compass in the stock and a thing to tell the time. Every year I get disappointed. this year I actually want two official Red Ryder carbine action bb guns with a compass in the stock and a thing to tell the time and I'll probably get disappointed twice. But maybe not. The probability isn't zero. I'm up to "Midnight Radio: the last song in Hedwig. It's about Hedwig getting her official Red Ryder . Dum spiro spero, why I breathe I hope.

I just got a text from the post office. I have mail. Maybe I got a birthday hatchday card.

I had planned on writing about the conflict in Israel and Palestine today but it just wouldn't fit. Today is coming out very personal. You might have noticed I hide very little of myself here. About the only thing off limits is my love life as that inherently involves other people. Well OK I guess it doesnt have to but I am totally not going there either.

Tomorrow for my birthday I'm going to the Huntington Folk Festival. My girls Bobtown are the headliners. Lots of other friends are playing during the day. If you love me you'll be there. If you love great music you'll be there. And if you love great music you'll give to Bobtown's KickstarterA History of Ghosts. If you pledge at $10 or more I'll give you an extra added bonus. I WON'T sing Ol' Man River to you. That's something like a $1,000 value. Maybe more. Carey how much do you think it's worth? She knows, she heard it and immediately fled the continent, not just the country. She needed an ocean between us.

Sigh I said I never write about my love life but I'll say this. Love is the look that I've gotten when I sing from a few special people. They can sing and know that I can't but somehow get happy when they hear me try. It makes me melt.

One more thing. I just arranged for my ride to the Festival. One of the musicians is taking me. I have decided on a new way to introduce me to people. I'm the folk parasite. I leech off people in folk for food and rides.

Now off to breakfast. I'm back to bacon & eggs and a bagel today.





Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017



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Horvendile July 18, 2014
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