I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me โ€” that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter โ€” except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

July 13, 2012 - 3:26 p.m.

Hedwig and the Anxiety Inch

So you know how people say you should drink something hot when it's hot out. They are wrong. I was sitting in my room with the temperature in the mid-eighties and doing fine. I had my coffee and sweated straight through my shirt in minutes. Now that the coffee is wearing off I'm getting back to being comfortable.

Yesterday was a very bad day for me. The anxiety was and accompanying paralysis were back. I couldn't get myself to leave the apartment till the evening. I couldn't read my emails. I just sat at the computer all day refreshing pages. I spent a lot of time in Facebook. I got lots of "likes." I was funny, I caught people's attention, and that was all just ways of procrastinating. That's why people can't see what's going on in me. When I get stressed to the outside world I just act like myself. I don't hide in my cave I hide in the crowd.

I wasn't any better this morning. If anything I was worse as my email queue was longer and seeing that made me feel more stressed. Then when I refreshed Facebook for the eight thousandth time I saw Eri's status:

.oO I'm the Berlin Wall, and that ain't all - I'm a total mess. Oo.

OK My Gentle Readers let's see how well you know me. There is only one right answer here. What did that make me think of? You only get full credit if you hear the music in your head too.
I"m the new Berlin Wall Baby! Try and tear me down!


I hadn't listen to Hedwig in ages. I should have. Not many things make me feel better. It does just what I needed to be done. It got me moving. It gave me a boost up over the wall I had built around myself. Not all the way. It still required effort but I was able to read my emails and get going.

The only positive things about yesterday was that I did get myself to go to Trader Joe's and I made a great dinner. I had red potatoes for roasting on my shopping list but I allowed myself the indulgence of buying the baby potato medley. The babies are more money but they do taste better. It was my first time cooking a blue potato! They were the best roasted potatoes I've made. I usually make them with Cajun spices or seasoned salt but I made blackened chicken breast as my main course so I made them with garlic. I missed my own cooking. Nobody can cook for me like me.

None of this is what I had planned on writing about today. I actually wrote down today's topics so I wouldn't forget. So now for something completely different; a man with a tape recorder up his nose.

How many times have you heard somebody say, or have you said yourself, "If he were really your friend he wouldn't … ?" The circumstance is telling someone that their friend will either not react badly to your telling him something and that if they do it's no loss to lose their friendship. I bet almost all of you have both told it to people and have had it told to you. The problem is that it isn't true. That is why people feel the need to tell us about it. We have all heard it and if we actually thought it was true wouldn't be hesitating. But we know it isn't always true. The key word being always. People have their hot button issues. People have a cost of doing business with them. The world isn't neatly divided into good people and bad people or good friends and bad friends. A person can be a great friend whose friendship you value but have an issue and if you get close to it you know they will react badly. They might even end your friendship even though they value your friendship too. Saying they aren't real friends is semantics. If you enjoy and benefit from the friendship that one issue doesn't invalidate it. Saying to not worry about losing the friendship doesn't solve the problem; it is making believe it doesn't exist. It's another case of thinking you can solve somebody else's problem because you oversimplify it. Some things are just difficult and there is nothing you can do about it.

Now if I want to get anything done I better declare victory and post today's edition of Wise Madness.





Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017



creative commons
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License.
Horvendile July 13, 2012
site search by freefind advanced


Follow on Feedly



about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!