I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
March 24, 2017 - 5:09 p.m.
I'm getting back in sync. I updated last night and now again this afternoon. Tomorrow it will be the morning. I'll have done nothing between now and then but I'll find something to write home about.
I started with my new therapist and had no choice with the time. It was not just early but did not work well with the train and bus schedules. My original plan was to have Jane give me a ride to catch the 9:07 train then make the half hour walk to the hospital for my 10:00 appointment. The bus from the train station to the hospital runs only once an hour and it leaves at 8 minutes after the hour. But Jane had to get out of the house earlier so she drove me to the station to make the previous train which lets me make the 9:07 bus that gets me in at 9:15 and I waited around the 45 minutes. I had to be ready to leave home at 8:15 and as I was out late didn't want to get up early enough to make breakfast so I ate at the hospital cafeteria which is inexpensive and filled a lot of the time.
I loved my old therapist Allison but had less anxiety than I might have starting off with Connie. She was chosen by Allison who knows me very well, as my therapist should. I had a short conversation with Connie last week when she called to cancel because of the weather. I really liked our short conversation. She has a hearty laugh. I went in there with a positive outlook. They were justified. I loved her. She is not like Allison but they are both kinds of people I hang out with, not like my old therapist. I figured she'd get me and she did a great job for her first time meeting me. The name was problematic. My first therapist was Susan, the name of one of my sisters. The second was Allison, the same as my other sister but spelled differently. I am fresh out of sisters and have no brothers so it would have been hard for the pattern to continue. I told Connie this and she appreciated it.
I asked her what her approach was. It's the same as Allison's, she molds it to fit the patient. That's how it should be. Everyone is different and needs to be treated differently. Allison used DBT, CBT, and behaviorism with me. They each helped in different ways. I love that when an approach didn't work with a problem, she'd try a different one. Susan never did that.
The trip home took forever. On the hour is the worst time for appointments. I got out just as the bus leaves. I should have just started walking immediately, I could have caught the next train then. But I didn't think about that. I had some messages on my phone while I was in my session and I wanted to read them. Hearing from Dan and Maria is a form of therapy too. By the time I was done with that and going to the bathroom it was too late to make the train. I sat in the lobby and read the Times on my phone till it was time to walk to the station to make the next train. I timed the walk perfectly, MetroNorth can't say the same. As I got there I heard an announcement that the train would be five to ten minutes late. Then it was ten to fifteen. Then fifteen to twenty. It ended up being close to twenty-five minutes late. I could have waited longer at the hospital and taken the bus and I'd have made it easy. Then I had a 20-minute wait for the bus. I didn't get home till 2:45 minutes after my session ended. I was tired.
I didn't get to write then as I had only an hour at home till I had to go out again. Bernie has been ill and I accompanied him to the doctor in the City. There were problems there and it took two hours. I told you yesterday I did a lot of traveling. I took Bernie because Jane was busy in the City. She met us soon after we arrived. I could have gone into Brooklyn to hear a concert I very much wanted to go to, Alec Spiegelman, Hannah Read, and Jennifer Kimball. But that's two hours away under the best of circumstances and I'd have to take a cab home from the subway. Instead I waited in the doctor's office and went home with Bernie and Jane.
I didn't have to make dinner as we had leftover pizza in the fridge; that was good as I was tired.
I won't talk about what happened today as I can use that for tomorrow. I can throw in some thoughts I've had about how I didn't make myself miserable and why that wasn't easy. Yes, a teaser!
The question now is can I get myself to go to Aldi. There's nothing vital I need but there are quite a few things I want. As usual I am way behind schedule. My original plan was to start writing around one and leave here before three. It is now 5:05. I should write about the way I write about time. It's the way I think but I don't think it's how most people discuss or think about it. I'll put that on my to-do list.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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