I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

December 21, 2012 - 12:00 a.m.

It's Not A Wonderful Life

I'm going to write a short gut spilling entry I'm not going to talk about food or commuting or even music. I'd say I'm not going to make any jokes but if one comes to me I will because it will make me feel better.

Right now I feel like George Bailey on that fateful Christmas Eve. Don't worry I'm not going to jump in a river, I didn't even think of that, But I did think of thinking of that, It just isn't in my playbook, I'm scared and I'm tired and I'm tired of being scared. I don't feel like my image of myself. There's an episode of Remington Steele where he tells a story of a smuggler who saves up for years so he can buy a freighter. He puts every dime he has into it and on its first voyage it sinks. As it went down he laughed. Remington asked why and he said, "Think of the possibilities." That's the guy I think of myself as. Right now I'm closer to crying. I can't see the possibilities. And it isn't like I can say, "if only I had this one thing." It doesn't work that way. I need lots of things. Though if there were one it would be to be able to win the battle with myself. I'm losing pretty bad now. I've been in therapy half a year and I don't think I've improved at all. I was thinking of changing therapists early on when I didn't like her. Now that I do like her I might have to.

I want to talk to someone but that scares me too. I tried reaching out to two people but neither was available, I don't think I could manage it with anyone else.,

At the moment I'm pretty much paralyzed. I think I'll clean the bathroom because I promised I would and it doesn't require any thinking.

Even though I feel like George Bailey that doesn't mean you should be praying for me. Clarence isn't going to come down and make things right. Actually in the movie he doesn't make things right. He just get George to not commit suicide and Mary and Sam Wainwright and everyone else makes things right. I'm also not saying to not pray. There's no point to that,. I wouldn't know anyway. Whether you pray or not makes no difference to me and I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. There that made me feel a bit like me. Not as much as a good joke of course. While writing this I did post something funny as a comment on a post that Brianne made,

Brianne: It's been real guys. Good luck in the afterlife.
Me: No afterlife we just go back to the beginning and start all over again but this time as flying monkeys.

Maybe you don't think it's funny but at least it feels like me not a quivering mass.

Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017

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Horvendile December 21, 2012
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