I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
October 20, 2016 - 2:31 p.m.
I updated last night and have not done much since then. I promised to not write about Trump which would have been easy to do after the debate but I'm a man of my word. I didn't say I wouldn't mention him and I will touch on the debate but not the content. I didn't say I wouldn't write about Hillary and I might some of that.
First I have an idiot story. I have two spare batteries for my phone. I always have one charging in my spare phone and one I carry in my bag. When my battery runs down I just pop in the spare. Yesterday coming home from therapy I opened my bag to get the battery and it wasn't there. I can't find it here at home. It might be someplace. It's small. Perhaps I put it down somewhere odd. It might be in my therapist's office, I opened the compartment that it's in to get my reading glasses. Maybe it fell out. When I'm done here I'll call the therapist's office and let them know that if they find a phone battery it's mine. I can do without it for a week till I'm there next. It's hard not having a brain.
As I forgot to take chicken out for dinner I had hot dogs and corn which I bought on the way home. It was delicious. What took the time was preparing the work space not the cooking. I had to clear things away and fill the dishwasher. Of course I discovered we were out of detergent. I'm an idiot and didn't check before I went shopping. I told you it isn't easy not having a brain.
A new friends read my last entry and thought I was serious about calling myself an idiot. I had to explain that it's a running joke. There is truth to it, that's what makes it funny. Smart people are capable of doing idiotic things. Think of Napoleon invading Russia.
I watched The Flash on my computer later. Then I fell into one of my bad habits. I for no good reason I stayed up till after 3 AM. Ideally I want to be in bed at 12:30, eight hours before I wake up. It wasn't like I was doing anything important. I responding to posts about the debate and reading about it in the Times. I have to get more disciplined about that. We cover that in therapy.
Today I woke up and forced myself out of bed on five hours sleep. I did some things online and then took a short nap. I will be able to get through the day but will hopefully have by body geared to be on the schedule I want. I'm going out tonight but don't think it will be out too late.
Oh, great the last two items in my idea bin are about Trump but I won't use them. I said what I meant and I meant what I said; a diarist is faithful one hundred percent. oO Hut-Sut Rawlson on the Rillerah and the so on so on so forth Oo
In some ways when I just mentally wonder like that it tells you more about me than when I try to explain things. That is so much of my internal life. The nonsense I let out is just the tip of the iceberg. What's tough is that sometimes someone will say something serious that I would never think of joking about but the language makes a joke come to my head. Few things more than the vagaries of language. If you tell me that you lost your mother last night a part of my brain is thinking, "that was careless of you." That's not being callus. I think the same thing with myself. I never say it because I do have theory of mind and know that you aren't going to take that with humor. OK I sometimes slip, not with something that obvious but with other things. I did it a few weeks ago and felt terrible.
Still I don't want to give up with the running free association that goes on in the background of my brain. Hey did I just admit I have a brain? Make believe I didn't say that. Damn I'm an idiot. It isn't easy not having a brain.
Tom Lehrer said "I hates plays where characters go on and on about how they can't communicate; If they can't communicate the least they can do is shut up." In that spirit I'll put this baby to bed. I told you I'm going out tonight. I'm going to the theater with Marti. It's great having a friend that's a theater critic that gets a plus one. I have to remember to stop at Trader Joe's first, I'm almost out of coffee and eggs. Without coffee and eggs my life would be very different; at least my breakfasts would be.
Discrimination by the Dead - October 25, 2016
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