I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
March 04, 2003 - 12:04 a.m.
My �good class� was giving me lots of trouble today. I don�t know what to make of it. I handed back the test that they didn�t do well on. Some of them seemed to take that as a signal to not be quiet. I wish I had handled it better. I tried my usual methods including just standing there till they stopped talking. Nothing worked. At one point I said that the next person that talked would not be able to correct the mistakes on the test and get half the credit back. I had no sooner finished saying that when someone felt compelled to talk. Was he totally not listening? I think that goes on quite a bit actually. Students sit in the class and don�t listen at all. I know that I�ll often explicitly say something and someone will ask the question I just answered. For example as soon as I told them that the corrections were due on Wednesday someone asked �when are the corrections due?�
I hate being the mean teacher. I like being the weird, tough, but nice and fun teacher. I actually had to make one student change his seat today as if it were kindergarten. This is my best class too. It was one of those days that teaching wasn�t fun.
After class my I had the pleasure of talking to Carey. We made plans to see each other on Thursday. It is only for a few hours but I�ll take what I can get. I might just spend the entire time on one long hug. (Neal if you read this please don�t kick my ass)
Twenty years ago I�d never say anything like that and I�d never do it either. I wasn�t a hugger. I was shy about public displays of affection. I often think of myself as not changing but there are some things that have changed a lot. I�m as shy as I ever one but I don�t let that stop me from doing things. If I told you what I was like then I�m sure those of you who know me would be surprised. I didn�t hug. I wouldn�t say, �I love you.� I wouldn�t even sign letters �Love.� I told myself that saying things like that weren�t necessary. That people know how you feel about them.
I�d never dance. Even if I had a date at a wedding I�d just sit there. I didn�t want to look foolish. I wouldn�t sing so that anyone could hear me. OK I know you wish that I still wouldn�t sing but I love it.
I don�t really know why I changed or even when. One factor though was being on Jeopardy. After being on TV in front of tens of millions of people I worried a lot less about how I looked to a crowd.
I like the way I am now better. I think people probably thought of me as cold when I was younger. I wasn�t but how were they to know? The strange thing is that being afraid to look socially awkward is the one thing guaranteed to make you look socially awkward. If you don�t give a damn then neither does anyone else. Well some people do but most don�t. There are no absolutes.
People still consider me a freak but at least I�m a nice freak.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
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Horvendile March 04, 2003
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