I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

June 15, 2013 - 7:03 a.m.

Life and Transfiguration

I am going to attempt to write an emotionally charged entry in half the time it usually takes me on limited sleep. It is now 6:26 and according to Google Maps I have to leave here at 7:40 to get to Clearwater before the gates open. I'm meeting Lori not LORi, Joe, Rona, and Bob there. My ticket is in Rona's name.

Last you heard I was in the depths of despair I will pick it up from there. I could not get myself out of it. If I had a bed I would have spent the day in it. The only thing that temporarily helped was making breakfast, bacon, eggs, and coffee. That helped quite a bit but not enough to get me moving. Katherine called. That helped enough to get me out of the apartment but I still felt like terrible. I went to my office to print up my ticket for Clearwater tomorrow. I could have taken the subway but instead I took the bus across Central park because it was a beautiful day. My original plan was to walk across the park but I didn't leave early enough for that.

I checked my PO box and found my WfUV t-shirt. It's a band new design. That was nice.I printed up my ticket, which was really just a letter saying that I was on Bob Mantin's sister's list. Good thing I know people with TDF or I couldn't afford to go to the Festival.

It was sprinkling when I got to school and rained hard while I was there. I was lucky and it was back to sprinkling when I left. That meant I could follow my plan to feel better and walk up Broadway to Eastern Mountain Sports. As I walked I worked on deliberate strategies to change my mood. I sang Three Little Birds by Bob Marley. I went through all the things I didn't want people to say to me to make me feel bertter. OK thqt wasn't part of the strategy to feel better but it happened. I'd go through them but Im in a rush. I thought about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, specifically the last episode of the second season and the first of the third. Part of my self image is that I'm not a person that sits there feeling sorry for himself. Outside I'm pretty much a schnook but inside I'm Errol Flynn as Robin Hood walking into Gisborn's Castle with a stag on my back raising havoc. So when I'm feeling bad I to kick myself into gear by thinking of Buffy in her fight to the death with the fate of the world at steak fighting Angel. He tells her that she doesn't have her friends or weapons. "What do you have?" She answers "I got me!" and kicks his butt. I still have me. In the third season the demon asks everyone who they are and they respond "nothing." He asks Buffy and she says, "I'm Buffy the Vampire Slayer and here's my imitation of Gandhi;" and proceeds to kick his butt. "Gandhi when he's having really pissed off." Each of these things helped a bit. Thinking that was was working on fighting the depression helped. Then I got to EMS and went shopping. I have spent too much time hanging out with girl groups, Red Molly, the Chicks with Dip, and Bobtown (OK they aren't a girl group but there are three girls and they are the ones I spend the most time talking to." What does that have to do anything? Shopping made me feel better, and not even book or electronic shopping but in a sense clothes shopping. Abbie is laughing qnd Katherine is glaring at me. I spent far more money than I usually would but I outfitted myself for Clearwater. All my camping and festival gear is in my storage in Queens. I needed this replacements anyway but usually I'd wait for sale and buy cheaper stuff and other stores. My top objective, a necessity, was a stadium seat. It lets me have a backrest when I'm sitting on the ground at Festivals and I can easily move it from Stage to Stage. As I said yesterday I'm going to spend most of my time flitting about the smaller stages. I then got myself a proper hat. Yes it was more money and I don't need a new one but it is much better than what I have. it has flap attached ot the brim on the back to protect me from the sun. You are going to be so jealous when you see me wearing it at Falcon Ridge. I will be bringing my own shade wherever I go. Then I bought convertible pants. They have zippers that let you take the bottoms of the legs off and turn them into shorts. I'will need those today. I spent twice as much as the last time I bought them but these are actually my size, they come in lengths! I don't have to rolle the pants legs up. I might actually buy a second pair for Falcon Ridge. I have time and can see if I can find them on sale or online cheaper, that that I know they fit perfectly I had to hunt for the chair. Nobody knew where they were. I kept asking. I had one guy working there help me hunt. I finally found them up on wall high over my head. It gave me a feeling of accomplishment that I found them. The guy helping me thanked me for showing him where they are.

The upshot of all that was I left the store not depressed. I was still having an anxiety attack. "Someone not used to it might have gone to an ER thinking he was having a heart attack. I am used to it. I'll take anxiety over depression any day. I'm used to anxiety. Sure it's crippling and paralyzes me but it doesn't eat my soul.

I then made my way to the Jenkins' house to see Brittany Haas and her friends Jordan and Paul. I have to look up there names but my alarm just went off and that means I have to get dressed and go to Clearwater. I have to write about the concert, it was epic, but don't have time now. I'll just let you know that I left there without my anxiety. I'm back to being me. Now I'm off to Croton Point Park to kill one of the King's deer and take it with me to Guy of Gisborn's castle and give him what for.

Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017

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Horvendile June 15, 2013
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