I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
August 26, 2017 - 10:03 a.m.
This is my second day in a row starting to write before ten; maybe I can make a habit of it. I didn't do much that was exciting yesterday; there's a chance this will be short. There's also a chance that something will click and I'll go off in a direction not yet chosen. That's the thing with predictions, there are usually outliers.
Yesterday was Friday so I went to therapy. I have my therapy traditions. One is I take a nap while waiting for therapy. I don't know how it got started but when I'm waiting I seem to always get overwhelmingly sleepy. I try to read the Times, give up and close my eyes. My therapist says it's a good sign, it shows that I'm relaxed before therapy. I think I'm being one of Pavlov's dogs. It is National Dog Day. I love cats; when I'm not afraid of allergies I will play with them but it's not the same. As Harlan Ellison said, "Of course I know what love is. A boy loves his dog."
After therapy I went to Stop & Shop. I didn't go to the one that's on the way home but the one in Co-Op City. I needed ice cream and I get home faster from that one; it's just one bus away. I get whatever ice cream is on sale. This time it was Eskimo Bars. They have Reece's Cup. It's peanut butter ice cream in the chocolate shell. I did not finish them before I got home. I am proud of that.
When I got home I sat down at my computer and took a real nap. The previous one was five minutes. This was like someone slipping me a mickey. I'm not sure what time I fell asleep but it was near nine when I woke up. I had taken chicken out for dinner but this was late to star cooking. I lucked out; Jane had just come home and brought leftover pizza. It was plain so I added a few slices of ham. I heated it in the microwave along with a cup of water and it came out better than any microwaved pizza I ever had. The crust was still crispy.
My therapist says that I'm making progress; she sees it since I started with her. There is a question of whether I'm conditioning her. I know what things to say to encourage her; when I overcome anxiety. It helps me to acknowledge them but then I see that I'm still not able to do vital things. There's a balance to be achieved. It's important to see how far I've come but also to see how far I have to go without being daunted.
I managed to read scary emails last night. The scary emails were from people I love that love me. How can that be scary? I am always afraid people are going to say, "Why are you bothering me? I don't like you that much." I know that isn't likely, not impossible, it's happened, but more often it's just a lack of warmth that I fear. My fears proved groundless.
Today's a beautiful day and I'm heading up to Hastings-on-Hudson to see the The Lords of Liechtenstein. This should be a good day.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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