I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

November 01, 2013 - 3:19 p.m.

Vanish Dread

This is my problems in a nutshell. I love writing but I have to fight every day to get started. I struggle to do things that I enjoy doing. The other day it took an effort, though not a huge one, to call Katherine. What got me over the hump was realizing that if I didn't the next time it would take more effort and soon I'd not have the strength to call. If you are wondering why you haven't heard from me that's probably the reason. Try calling me. Right now I'm fine with answering the phone.

Where else are you going to get to hear things most people only tell a therapist along with stories of a jetset music lifestyle?

But before the jetsetting today's idiot story. I might have more than one. I'm an idiot so youc can't expect me to get this right. So remember how proud I was about making up my test on Wednesday. I pretty much said I was a test making god and got everything done early. Anyone familiar with Greek mythology knows that's just looking for trouble; hubris. Yesterday I continued to be good and made up the answer key to the test. The last half was a series of typos. Yes I vetted the questions but not what I had actually typed. I typed a + for a -, a 4 for a 2, wrote $4.50 instead of $4.50 and wrote and instead of of. The Word screwed up on one question and made the three parts of a question, b, c, an d.

That was too much for me to verbally correct before the test so I went to the office yesterday and reprinted it. I then had to take the old test out of the blue exam books and insert the new one. At least I was able to help out the department chair by proctoring the last half hour of a test for a student that arrived late.

Then I was off to Joe's Pub to see Disappear Fear. I gave my history with the band in my last entry. This show was the release show for their new CD "Broken Film." There is always confusion when talking about disappear fear. That was the name of the sister duo of SONiA Rutstein and CiNDY Frank. Then CiNDY had a baby and SONiA went solo and didn't feel it was right to use disappear fear but for continuity billed herself as SONiA of disappear fear. Then she got a band and it became the disappear fear band. Since then she has returned to using disappear in some configurations. So though they are a band I'll often say she meaning SONiA. Got it? I had to explain this to someone at he show. He was someone I know from other shows and once again I forgot his name. I'm really pathetic. The only one I knew at the show was Erica who is a fixture. We've been seeing each other at shows forever. When disappear fear plays New York we are the two people you can bet will be there.

I got my usual seat, 209, at the ledge right behind the floor level. It's perfect, an unblocked view and great sound. I just wish I could see from that far back.

How do I love disappear fear? Let me count the ways. I have been seeing SONiA in every configuration for 22 years. That's not out of friendship. We didn't become friends for ten years or so. It's because she does what she does perfectly. SONiA can be politically and socially active without ever beign strident. She is never overly earnest. Everyone knows the story of how Ricky Nelson got booed at Madison Square Garden when he tried to perform socially conscious songs. But not many people know that the same thing happened to Phil Ochs when he tried to do the reverse. He wanted to play rock and roll and all the audience wanted was protest songs. SONiA manages to do both with no problem. She covers a lot of Phil Ochs and when she does they have a beat to them. She can rock with the best of them. Her songs can sound like party music and be filled with lyrical substance. I'm listening now and dancing in my seat as I type. She's singing in Hebrew or Arabic now but it doesn't come across as world music. It's still pop and rock. Ah, it's Hebrew. There were words I know in the last verse. The main thing is SONiA is always fun, even when deadly serious.

SONiA is gay and that's reflected in many of her song but I never think of them as songs for gay people. Being gay is what she knows and it provides the references she use, but at least to me, that's not what the songs are about. The great singer/songwriters express the universal through the personal. A Case of You is about Leonard Cohen but you don't have to be in love with him for the song to connect with you. The same with SONiA, you don't have to be gay for the songs to reach you. I'm not and yet I feel a tremendous connection to her even before we became friends. She knows what's important. She writes about people being themselves. She writes about people fighting to be themselves. She writes about people loving being themselves.

One odd thing last night. For the encore she first did Imagine which I pretty much can't help singing along to though nobody else did. Then she did a song. It was atypical for her. It was a mellow groove song. The one song that I didnt' feel the need to move with. Yet a few people felt that was the song they had to stand up to and one waved candles. Am I totally not getting something or are they? Or is it totally subjective?

One guy that stood up was the guy sitting next to me that spent the entire show playing games on his phone. What was that about? Why go to a show if you aren't going to pay any attention? It was just background music for him.

On the good side I discovered that at the late show at least they dont' fully enforce the $12 minimum. I had the chocolate malt in a juice glass and cookies for $8 and that was fine. That makes Joe's Pub more affordable. Anyone know how cheap you can go? Can I get by just buying an overpriced coke?

OK now I have to go and make a scary phone call to payroll about the check that went to my old address. Wish me luck. I know they'll take care of it. The trouble is making the call. They called me back on Wednesday, you know the day I forgot my phone. I really hate being an idiot. I super hate being an idiot with anxiety. But you know what? I don't hate being me. I'm a hoopy frood. That is not a typo. Now if I can get my fear to disappear.





Annoying People - September 03, 2016
This Play Was The Pits - September 02, 2016
Banking on Getting Better or Avoiding Katastrophe. - September 01, 2016
Unlike Gilligan I Got Off the Island - August 31, 2016
Call of the Wilder - August 30, 2016




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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 License. Horvendile November 01, 2013
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