I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
September 21, 2012 - 12:02 a.m.
I'm going to try and write this on my laptop. That's not the most comfortable thing for me. It took months for my elbow to recover from the last time I had to rely on my laptop.
I plan on moving into a room in the next day or two. I can get one till the end of the month but I'm not going to take that till I've exhausted other possibilities. It isn't in the best neighborhood but I like the landlord. I'm going to look at a place I can stay long term tomorrow. It isn't that far from where I had been living but I'm not sure what the neighborhood is like. It isn't super convenient for the subway but I'll adjust.
I had therapy today but thought that with everything going on I needed something extra so I decided to self medicate. I went to Max Brenner's chocolate! I ordered the "warm melted chocolate heart cake." The woman at the counter asked if I wanted that hot. It has warm and melted in the name. I think that answers the question.
Tomorrow I plan on more therapy, seeing The Kennedys
In response to my last entry Eben said I had "inspiring pluck." That got me thinking. The emotion that has been dominating my life is fear. I don't exactly feel plucky. But that's the thing. I've always known that bravery is not having no fear. That's as much a pathology as my anxiety disorder. Bravery is doing something even though you are afraid. So yes I'm afraid of idiotic little things that nobody should be afraid of like searching for apartments and answering emails. But at least I've been able to force myself to do those things. I've been comparing it to the one time in my life that I did something I thought was brave. My drug addict friend had a relapse and it was my job to make sure she didn't get high the night before she had to check into either rehab or a hospital. When she went out in the middle of the night to get drugs I followed her. I told the first dealer she went to, a middle aged woman, that I'd call the cops on her if she sold my friend drugs. That scared her out of doing it. Then my friend went into the project to buy drugs and I told the teen pushers the same thing. That is what was brave. I figured no way it was worth it for them to risk hurting me and getting the cops really on them just to sell her a little crack. I was right but what they did was three of them blocked me from following her when she went off with their cohort. They then followed me after they made the deal. I got in the street and saw a cop car and waived it over so I was fine.
So here is the thing. I was scared then for a good reason but I wasn't paralyzed like I get now. Instead I was primed for action. The fight or flight hormones acted like they were supposed to. Now when I get that feeling I can't run. My heart pounds but does not beat faster. I don't get enough oxygen to my muscles and brain. I'm pretty sure if I tried to exert myself I'd faint. At least that's how it feels.
How am I on page two? I haven't started writing about the entire point of today's edition of Wise Madness.
This hasn't been easy for me of course but I know it isn't easy for my friends too. I want to talk about how to act around me, a person with a housing crisis and an anxiety disorder. First a few fiats; this is how to deal with me; no promises it is what anyone else would want. Secondly it might not actually be what I want, For the most part it's what I imagine what I want. There is some empirical evidence for some of it so I'll point that out,.
Don't be afraid of talking to me. Sure people have said exactly the wrong thing. I can get over that. I know it's hard. I'm not totally fragile. It's important I have people to talk to
Don't start telling me what I should have done. That doesn't do me any good and is the epitome of exactly the wrong thing to say. People have done it. I lived.
Don't tell me how to deal with my anxiety issues. That's what I pay a shrink for. If you haven't been through it you have no idea what will help. If you have been through it then you know there is no easy answer.
Practical advice is great. Any tips to finding an apartment would be appreciated. Any practical help you can give me is appreciated. I never would have found my last place without a tremendous amount of help from my "secretary" as she liked to describe herself. I'm doing a lot better this time. I can go through all the ads myself now. I couldn't do that before.
Don't be afraid of talking about the things we usually talk about. There is far more to my life than my problems. I could use the distraction.
Apparently telling me that you will have sex with Dennis Wilson at my funeral makes me feel better Yes that's one of the empirically tested points.
If you want to buy me an apartment or house or mansion in a nice neighborhood feel free. I'd graciously accept the gift.
If you know somebody that is subletting anyplace convenient to the city let me know. Are you going on the road and need a house or pet sitter? I'm there.
Be understanding if I don't respond to an email or call.
I always like to hear "I love you" at least from someone that loves me. I do have a fear of someone I don't like that much saying it, Even worse hearing it from a woman that means it romantically when I don't feel that way about her. Hey I have irrational anxieties We knew that,.
I better get to sleep now I have to teach tomorrow, maybe move into an apartment, at least check one out, then see the Kennedys.
Oh one more thing you can do for me. Read this!
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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