I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
February 01, 2017 - 11:09 p.m.
Can you see tell how disappointed I am in you? Why? I didn't write this morning and not one person complained. Where were the pleas of, "Where's Wise Madness?" I didn't even have a good excuse. I left my usual time to go to therapy on Wednesdays and that has never stopped me before. The reasons I missed it are related to why I need therapy and are between me and my therapist. I love you guys but I need to leave a little mystery.
I had an interesting commute there. First I was late getting out of the house. Jane drove me and I told her to not stop for the lights and that there was a big tip for her if I make my train. Wonder of wonders we hit but one light. We made one we never make. The one light we hit is unavoidable, it is always red if you made it through the previous light. The upshot was I made it was three minutes to spare.
I got to Harrison where I catch the 5 bus to the hospital. I do this every time I go there. The bus comes 18 minutes after I get there. I read the Times on my phone while I wait. My hands were cold so I decided to put my gloves on which meant no more reading. I got up from the bench to wait for the bus and it came right on time. I got on it. I started reading again. I glanced out the window. I saw the Dunkin' Donuts. That meant the bus didn't make the turn. I was on the wrong bus! I pulled the stop request cord and hoped the first stop was not too far away. It wasn't, it was about 8 minutes by foot. I walked back and hoped that my bus was late, as it often is, and I'd make it. When I was a block and a half away I saw it pull out of the stop. Curses foiled again. I have walked to the hospital before. In good weather I've chosen to do it. It takes just about half an hour. It was now 25 minutes before my appointment. I'd have to walk faster. Now that doesn't sound like much but it means walking 14% faster and expending 28% more energy. And when I said it takes 30 minutes that’s with me already walking at a brisk pace. I knew what I had to do. I had to race walk. Ever see the footage of the competitive race walkers? They look comic with their hips moving from side to side. If you try to walk very fast and to not run and know a bit of what to do it happens naturally. Nobody ever taught me technique but when I used to regularly walked 4 to 8 miles at a time sometimes I would race walk shorter distances. Instead of walking my usual 3.75 mph I was able to up my speed to over 5 mph. that was my goal. I made the trip in a little over 20 minutes. I took it down a gear when I saw the hospital and knew I was going to make it.
All that extra energy turns into heat. I started with a hoodie on under my zipped jacked at a hat under the hood and gloves on. As I walked I got progressively hotter. First, I unzipped the jacket. Then I took off the hood. Then I took off my gloves and hat. And finally unzipped the hoodie. I was still hot when I arrived. I was glad that the therapist came a few minutes late. I needed the cool down. As soon I got inside It took off all my outerwear and even the long sleeve shirt I had on. I wasn't topless, I had a t-shirt on.
I had to explain to the therapist why I looked unkempt and was breathing hard. That I wasn't having an anxiety attack, that it was physical exertion. The exertion helped quite a bit with the anxiety. When I got close to the hospital and stopped pushing it I thought to myself about the endorphins I was pumping out.
I can't talk about what happens in therapy but she was encouraging. I'm making progress and stressed that I can't judge it from other people's expectations. I'm doing things I couldn't do before but I still have a long way to go. She makes that sound far more positive.
The trip home was the exact opposite of the trip there. It was the easiest I ever had. The first bus came almost on time. That usually gets me to the train station right after the train leaves. But today the train was delayed 5 minutes so I could make it with three minutes to spare. It ended up being even later, that was not good. The trip takes all of 10 minutes. I got into New Rochelle at 4:09. The bus leaves at 4:10. Then the doors wouldn't open for a few minutes. Arggh. They finally got them open and I ran to the bus stop at 4:11. The question is did I miss the bus? At first I thought there was nobody there, a bad sign, but then I saw there was someone. I asked him if I missed the bus, he said I didn't. More than one bus is there so it wasn't a stupid question. Two minutes later the bus came. It made very few stops. I got to my stop, in the middle of Pelham Bay Park, faster than usual. I walked over to the bus where the next bus leaves from. A minute later the bus came. I was home in an hour and ten minutes. It often takes me over two hours. Just making the train saves almost half an hour. Just making the bus saved another half an hour. I could wait 15 minutes for that last bus.
I tried something new for dinner. The basic dish, ham steak and roasted potatoes was not out of the ordinary. I like it because I can cook them in the same casserole dish. This time, with 5 minutes to go I added Cheez-Whiz to both the ham and the potatoes. Stop making faces. Don't pretend to barf. Cheese fries and ham and cheese are standards. I just make them with fake cheese. It was delicious no matter what you think. I enjoyed it and that's what matters. Oh, and Bernie made bread pudding and I had some of that. I had a real treat. That wasn't dessert. I had that when I got home and didn't eat for another three and a half hours.
Weird entry, I wrote about a day where I didn't do much and ended up with over 1100 words. I thought I'd use one of my deep topics. I haven't decided if I'm writing tomorrow morning. You'll find out not that long after I do.
Sing These Songs of Freedom - February 06, 2017
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