I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

June 10, 2013 - 10:47 a.m.

Chaos Theory

I'm in a bit of emotional turmoil. I have to move again and it isn't just stressful but meta-stressful It makes me think about all the things that give me the most anxiety. Yesterday Katherine helped by sitting with me as I looked at apartment ads. Wow just writing that triggered anxiety. I might not be able to write much here at least about that.

I'll go to the flip side. I don't see a way out of my problems, doesn't sound like the flip side does it? Just bear with me. "I don't see a way out" is often a preamble to someone considering suicide (be patient that's not where this is going) but it isn't for me. Why? I enjoy life too much. Even when I'm miserable I find things I love. I often use the expression, "it's a strange and beautiful world," because it is a strange and beautiful world. With all my issues and problems I can still see and feel that clearly. It's creating something of emotional roller coaster. I'm appreciating things even more as I slide into an ocean of anxiety. You might have noticed it that expressing my love of things and of people even more than usual. I'm gushing. I want to tell everyone that I love that I love them. I want to share every wonder I experience. I dont know if that's endearing or annoying but it's hard to resist.

I'm still fighting through everything else. I am seeing an apartment today. I have to force myself to go through my emails about others. And it is forcing. And what I find won't be permanent. That's what I dont' see a way out of.

OK back to happy thoughts. The Waterboys are playing Celebrate Brooklyn on my birthday. Are any of my friends fans of the Waterboys? It could be a fun way to Celebrate Horvendile.

I'll keep this very short today. I have to visit a friend in the hospital, go to therapy, go to my PO Box, look at an apartment, and read scary emails. It just doesn't feel like a day to go into my issues with Dollhouse. Of course saying that now I want to. My anxiety level noticeably dropped. It's because it's taking me out of myself and putting me in my analytic mode. Maybe I'll write about that. I planned on it. So much of what I do here is analysis. Katherine thanked me for my kind words about Bobtown. My reaction was "I said kind words?" I didn't compare them to Bach to be kind. I was excited because I had discovered a parallel in the ways I appreciate both of them. Seeing relationships like that is one of my favorite things. It's very much of what it means to be me. Dollhouse makes me feel contradictory things. It has the stupidest writing I've seen on a Joss Whedon production. Everything depends on geniuses being idiots, Scientists seem to have never taken an experimental methods course. Nobody ever tests anything. And the created world is not logically consistent. There's this super secret project going on that has science totally outside the world's knowledge but a grad student comes in and seems to know all about it because it's what he's been studying and he thinks they are archaic and behind the times. The FBI agent figures things out that the scientists who spent their life studying these things can't. And of course it's just mystical thinking and gobbledygook. Joss should stick to fantasy, he has no notion of science fiction and seems to hate scientists. They all seem to be of the mad variety in his mind.

Hey that helped. The clouds outside aren't helping. I think it's going to rain. I have to spend a lot of time outside today. I don't need that.

See how mixed up this entry is? That's sort of what's going on inside my head now. It should make for a fun, read that as painful, therapy session. Therapy isn't helping but when avoid my issues that doesn't help the therapy. She says she can't make me confront things but if I could do it myself I wouldn't need a therapist. OK here comes the anxiety again. I love rollercoasters (why does spell check not like plural) I'm going planning a trip to Coney Island when I can fit it in. The Cyclone is fun, emotional rollercoasters aren't. I once read that the reason we like rollercoasters is that they create the illusion of danger without being dangerous. The difference is what I'm going through has real consequences.

Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017

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Horvendile June 10, 2013
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