I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
September 04, 2014 - 10:47 a.m.
I don't have a lot of time today so I'm not going to think of something clever or profound to write about. I'm going to document my sorry state. My anxiety crisis took people by surprise and I said I won't let that happen again.
I had to go to my mailbox up at Columbus Circle yesterday. I had a new pair of Teva's shipped there. My old pair is just about worn through. A friend asked me to join her on an errand in the City first. I said yes but asked that she then join me to get my mail. I rushed out to meet my friend and forgot my water bottle. So of course as it was hot I got quite thirsty. I had to meet her around 25th street and 6th Ave. I got to Atlantic Terminal and waited for a train. A came first. Now I could have taken that to the and walked an extra avenue block but it would probably be faster to wait for the and switch to the or . After a long wait the next train came. I got on, then noticed it was also a . It was still probably faster to wait. The next train came. Once again it was a . I got on it and realized it was best to just stay on it to 34th street and walk down 6th. It was not that much longer than walking over from 5th avenue and 23rd street. So that's what I did But ask I approached 25th street I discovered that my friend was now on the East Side so I gave up and went by myself to my mailbox. It took me over an hour and a half to make the usual 45 minute trip. It was hot. I was tired. I've been depressed. It took a lot out of me so I went straight home.
I was pulled as taut as a bow string. I have had enough and I was dehydrated. I had some water which was warm then went to make iced coffee. I got ice in my glass and decided to put the rest of the tray in my water bottle. I put the tray down on the counter. Somehow it found itself on the floor. I have no idea how. In my mind I placed it flat and entirely on the counter. When it hit the floor I lost it. I started to cry. It was just one thing too much. I got control of myself quickly and realized this was even more extreme than crying over spilt milk. Humor gets through to me pretty much no matter what so it snapped me out of it. But I was still drawn tight.
When I went to make dinner my nemesis came in and decided that he wanted to make dinner at just that moment but first he wanted to sit there and play with his phone in the tiny kitchen that is not big enough for two people to work in. I asked him nicely to wait till I was one. I've gone through this with him before. I never go into the kitchen to stay when someone else is cooking. He wouldn't leave. I snapped again. I let every grudge I've had against him out at once in a tirade. I used profanity! I never use profanity. I can promise you have never heard me use it except in jest.
Oh yes, because I had to work with him in the kitchen I had to run to my bathroom to clean utensils I needed while cooking. If something has touched raw meat I won't use it till it's been cleaned even on the same meat but don't want to dirty a second utensil. Then I had no room to put down the cookie sheet I was making my potatoes on except the kitchen table that had my plastic cutting sheet on it. I had my hands full and hoped that the sheet was heat resistant. It wasn't. it melted. Of course I'd have used the counter if my nemesis wasn't busy there. That's why I hate working with someone else in the kitchen. I had a very hot sheet in my hands and needed to turn the potatoes. I don't have time to ask someone to move especially as he'd have to move past me then move back when I was done.
I didn't calm down till I ate dinner. Then I spent the rest of the evening upset about how upset I got. I didn't get fully relaxed till I started to read Lord of the Rings. I'm going to just live Middle Earth and then Discworld for a while.
Today is going to have awkward logistics. I'm meeting Erika for lunch in the City at noon,. then I have therapy, god knows I need that, at 3:30, then I'm seeing Doug and Telisha aka Wild Ponies at Hill Country Barbecue Brooklyn at 8:30. What to do between lunch and therapy is the big question. Maybe I'll just walk down to therapy then read in the waiting room.
So that's what's going on in my head now. It isn't a pretty sight. Sorry but the entire point of blogging is to give you a window into my mind. Sometimes the view is not good.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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