I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
November 23, 2013 - 12:26 p.m.
I'd done nothing but be sick since yesterday and I still don't know which way to go today. Well I'll start with the health update and see where that leads. I told you that I had a Crohn's attack yesterday and had to leave class early. I spent the next two three hours in my office trying to get up the strength to take the subway home. I finally made it. I spent the night in bed. I slept a lot and played on the computer. I know that the attack passed as I got hungry. I made poached eggs, something simple. But the thing is now I'm cold and not very hungry and I'm afraid it's back. I might have to take another 20 mg of prednisone I'm supposed to go to Kay's house tonight to see Diana Jones. I think I'll have to play that by ear. At least I know that I don't have an intestinal obstruction. This is the kind of attack I had most of my life, a general malaise, a fever, but no pain. This is not what Crohn's feels like to most people but it was how it affected me. I had one doctor who thought I was being a hypochondriac. I'd tell him the symptoms and he thought I was reacting to seeing I had a fever which was just going through normal variations. He told me to check my temperature three times a day for a month. He told me it was for diagnostic purposes but he didn't care when I gave him the data. He just wanted me to see that my temperature would hit 99˚ regularly. But of course I already knew that. And I could tell the difference between that and being sick. I lost some faith in him then as it showed that he didn't know me well. I understand that many people would react that way he thought I did, but he should have known that I wouldn't. All my other doctors except for the Gastroenterologist From Hell, GFH, told me, "You know your body better than anyone." The GFH wouldn't even examine me when I had my perforated small intestine and an abscess the size of a softball because he didn't think I could tell the difference between that and a Crohn's attack. I switched doctors and the new one knew immediately that I had a major problem that needed immediate attention. Not that I let that stop me from taking Amtrak to Baltimore than driving with Carey to the Birchmere in Alexandria VA to see Dar. Yes I've told that story before. I will keep telling it. It says who I am. I couldn't get an appointment for an MRI or was that a CT scan for a few says so why should I miss Dar and Carey? Best decision I ever made. I'd much rather be in agony with those two than alone in my room.
That was a ellipses I didn't expect. I don't always control what I write here. My fingers have the final say.
Anyway a strange thing happened with being totally drained, the anxiety/existential angst drained away too. Maybe it's like ECT and my neurons were reset. I always figured worked the same way rebooting your computer does. It's why I good night's sleep helps too. I have a totally different model of my disorder than my therapist. She thinks it's caused by some high level issue. I look at it as a complex system where small things that you can't identify get magnified to by feedback to create chaos. It's the way most complex systems break down, the butterfly effect.
But in any case I feel much better. I can avoid going down the expert slope with my bunny slope skills. My problems are still there but they aren't consuming me to no purpose.
To make things even better I got to talk to LORi last night. She's been having complicated time too and its been hard to get together. Now I talk to my therapist ever week but it isnt' the same. There are things that I want to talk to a friend about. I don't want to get analyzed but simply hear awww, and get hugs and make jokes and go off on tangents discussing the size of metropolitan areas in PA and NY. Did you know that Allentown was the third largest city in PA?
And I was able to get through some anxiety barriers and maybe get my Thanksgiving plans worked out. If you are wonderful people that invited me I'll let you know what's going on soon, probably today. I got three invitations! See everybody doesn't hate me. Oh right, you aren't the ones that think that. And no I don't think that either. My entire life is 'it's complicated."
Maybe I need to get sick more often,. I hate being sick but it beats the existential angst any day. OK existential angst sounds way too melodramatic. What's a funny way I csan put it. Or is it so over the top that it is already funny?
My tummy is not happy now and I can't eat breakfast. I think that's my cue to call it quits and go back to sleep.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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