I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe

The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
-Bertrand Russell

What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell

September 11, 2014 - 10:44 a.m.

Green Entry (Recyling is good)

I cocooned yesterday. I never got further than the kitchen. Not sure if that was a good or a bad mental health thing. I think I'll keep this short today I'm not in a good way.

I sent a difficult email yesterday. I got a difficult response. I'm not going to write about that. But I ran it by LORi first and what she said made me feel good. " I see it as you being quintessentially you - expressing yourself and your feelings openly, but not laying blame and being kind and supportive even as you explore the problem. It made my eyes mist as I read it." I like having a friend that thinks so well of me. I also like having a friend that uses "quintessentially."

I did make myself a good dinner yesterday, bratwurst and mashed potatoes. I had chocolate chip pudding cake. I read some of The Lord of the Rings. I talked to LORi. I got myself to do something I was afraid to do. It didn't turn out well but I got myself to do it knowing it probably would not turn out well.

Know something. I'm all emotions now not thoughts and I document my thoughts. And writing that gave me thoughts. I was going to call it quits for the day but now I'll write.

I've been watching the 4th season of Warehouse 13 on Amazon Prime. I was enjoying it even though the show was not as good as earlier seasons. But now it's deteriorating within the season. I find I'm using the same words to describe it as the later seasons of Buffy. The episodes lack focus. On Warehouse 13 this seems to have been a deliberate decision. Instead of focusing on the adventures of one pair of agents they now split between two pairs in the field plus another drama going on at the warehouse. And then they spend a huge amount of time on their personal lives, like chasing magical objects is so ordinary so they have to spice it up with human interest stories. Last night after everything is wrapped up one of the characters found out she might have ovarian cancer. Really? That's just playing with emotions. That's what reminded me of it. Characters getting cancer is no just like gratuitous sex and violence. It is an effortless way to generate strong feelings. Hey I didn't do that when I had cancer. This is what I said.

Ive been keeping away from the health reports but this one is unavoidable. On Friday I went to see my internist. After my exam he sits me down in his office and tells me that I was lucky I had the perforation and the abscess. This seemed a bit strange and I asked him to explain. They removed two feet of my small intestine. As they often do they pathologist went over what was removed with a fine toothcomb. On Monday, the day I was released from the hospital, a week and a half after the operation he was finishing. Just as I was released he found a cancer. There was no other way that it was ever going to be discovered until it had grown and caused trouble. It was totally independent of my current illness. It was at the opposite end of the removed section from the perforation. So given that I had the cancer I was lucky I had the abscess. I was also lucky that it wasnt near the perforation, if it would have spread through the fluid in the abscess and spread throughout my body. It seems to have not spread at all. All seven lymph nodes were clean as was the area around the tumor. The only bad thing was that it had grown straight through the intestinal wall. That means that some stray cells might have broken off. I will probably need chemotherapy. If I do it will be mild. I will be able to drive myself to and from the therapy and function normally. I might lose my hair but Im not going to worry about that. Ill just have hang out with Dave Matheson. Tomorrow I see the Oncologist and will find out what is going to happen. Whatever she says Im going to go to Sloan Kettering for a second opinion. Cancer of the small intestine is fairly rare so I want to see a specialist. All in all the prognosis seems good though.

Doctor Meditz did a really good job breaking it to me and even broke it to my parents for me. I was dreading telling them as much as anything. I was also afraid my mother might faint so I wanted a doctor handy. My parents took it very well though.

When I got home the first thing I did was call Carey of course. Talking me through this kind of thing is her job as she says. She was as usual wonderful. We talked about it. She got over the shock and as usual had me laughing. I dont know what Id do without her.

At first I wasnt going to tell anyone else outside my family till I had spoken to the oncologist but of course I cant keep my mouth shut. Over the weekend I told everyone I think needed to know. I didnt want to post this on my diary till I had told people personally. I especially didnt want Leah, my beloved, beatific, batnosed embryo to hear it anywhere but directly from me. She was in Disney World till Sunday so I knew I couldnt talk about it till then.

Everyone has been wonderfully supportive of course. Im supposed to go down and see Heather this weekend, she said that if I cant make it shed come up and visit me. The doctor said I should be able to get on with my life so Im planning on going. I have lots of plan for the next two months and I should be able to do all of them.

Dr Meditz kept boosting my ego. He said he knew Id have a great attitude. That I should forget the statistics that Im the type that gets through it. He is the one who called me a tough guy and meant it. In this case hes right. There are so many simple things that everyone does that I have trouble with. When it comes to dealing with health adversity Im in my element though. No matter what has ever happened to me Ive always gotten through it better than expected. My body has a bad habit of attacking itself but it always comes through.

I came up with a little metaphoric story of what happened. For 31 years my immune system wages a war on my terminal ileum, the end of the small intestine. It threw everything it had at it. It became a war-ravaged disaster. Finally a few cells got fed up. They werent going to take it anymore. They decided to fight back. They werent going to just sit there, they were going to reproduce and take the battle to the immune system. The fight had radicalized the opposition, as is so often the case. The revolutionary front was gathering its strength when the outside peacekeepers came in and cleaned out the entire area. They were rounded up in the clean up process. Now a few stray revolutionary cells are left and the police will try and round them up.

So thats it. I find I have cancer, which everyone dreads and Im not really feeling bad. Im as happy as Ive been and figure everything will be OK. Ive considered the alternatives of course and have even have had some fun thinking about a will. Now dont get excited, Im not actually planning on dying so you arent getting any of my stuff but if things dont work out my stuff will have good homes.

As usual I forgot half the things I was planning on writing now. I really should take notes. Im sure I had some good philosophical points or funny jokes to tell. Do me a favor? Make them up yourself and give me credit for them.

See no tight shots of my looking distraught. I used it as an opportunity to teach and be funny. Now if only I could do that with what's going on in my life now.

My god I wrote a cheater episode. I filled it with recycled material. It's not called a cheater episode. What is the proper term? In any event It got me finished writing early. Now off to breakfast.





Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
Late to Bed and Late to Rise - September 30, 2017
On Your Feet or On Your Knees - September 29, 2017
Why Life Doesn't End on Closing Day - September 28, 2017
Anna and King of I Am - September 27, 2017



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Horvendile September 11, 2014
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