I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
February 20, 2017 - 11:39 a.m.
I didn't do the things I said I'd do yesterday so I am not going to the Not My President Day rally. I didn't get enough sleep last night so that might be for the best. Unfortunately, there will plenty of more time and need for protests.
I did do a few things I had to do and they took longer than I thought, I called Brianne Brianne and I had a far more practical conversation than usual. One thing we talked about was Artists in Resistance. That's an organization she and some friends started to, well resist the current administration through art. They are also providing information to help immigrants and doing anything else they can to help. We talked of other things too. My short call to Brianne took over an hour. That is not time wasted, it was time well spent.
I chose bad music to write to this morning, Rhiannon Giddens, Freedom Highway, streaming on NPR. It's still February but I can tell you that this will make my top albums of 2017 list. It's going to be hard to lodge from number 1. It's even better than her first album.
I should turn it off; I want to hang on every word. I can't turn it off, it's too captivating. For now, I won't hang on every word. I'll just have to listen again after I write. But then I'll never get anything done. OK, it will be my reward for getting other things done.
I spent hours writing yesterday's edition of Wise Madness, far longer than usual. That took up most of my afternoon. If you missed it read it now so I didn't spend that time in vain.
Every day I want to do something scary. Yesterday I planned on doing two. One was figuring out how to get the pictures I took from my camera to my computer. Why is that scary? Welcome to anxietyworld. My thoughts race to, what if the micro USB cable doesn't work on that camera? What if I can't find my SD card reader? What if I can't get it done? I am rationally aware that if I don't do it the consequence is that it won't be done. Anxiety is not rational. This is not super scary so I might be able to handle it without meditation. As I write this I'm feeling anxious. The medications made a huge difference with the depression but are not as effective with the anxiety. I am working on my techniques to overcome my anxiety but I'd much rather not feel it in the first place.
The scary thing that I did was call my sister Sue to wish her a happy birthday. We have not talked in almost a year. We didn't have a fight. We get along. We love each other. We enjoy talking. Anxiety once again gets the blame, it's worse than chronoklepts.
I didn't even meditate before I called. I didn't want to take the time. I was listening to John Platt's show, WFUV Sunday Breakfast. The show was particularly good and the guests in the final hour were Cole Quest and the City Pickers. I love them. I figured I'd call, sing Happy Birthday, explain pleasantries, and get back to listening. That's not what happened; we talked for over three hours; we had a lot of catching up to do. Once we started we couldn't stop. I was well rewarded for making the effort. We talked a lot about our health. We grew up discussing illness in great detail. We understand what each other have. My health news was for the most part good, I had the two minor Crohn's attacks but that's it for years. I can even eat popcorn. I haven't been in such good shape in ten years. My eyes are another story.
I did not make the dinner I planned. By the time, I started to cook it was 9:15. I was not going to make a dinner that would take an hour and 20 minutes to prepare. I had taken chicken out so I couldn't make anything too fast. I had blackened chicken thighs and fried plantain, it was of course delicious. I even had dessert. Jane and Bernie's neighbor often gets wined and dined. There is usually extra food that he gives to Jane and Bernie. Last night it was a tray of pastries. I had chocolate babka and glazed donuts. I ate them while I was cooking the chicken. The best thing about being an adult is that you can eat like a child. If I want to have dessert first nobody is going to stop me. Good thing I no longer have a weight problem.
I have been writing quite a bit about my mental health of late. That was not a deliberate decision. It's what I've been thinking about. I think that's a good thing; it's because my making progress. I know many people would not write about it even if it were all that were on their mind. That's just not the way I'm built. It's just like Sue and I discussing our physical health in detail. There's also a sense of duty involved; the fight to destigmatize mental illness. I talked about that with Sue too. I'm well-liked and respected so people can see that mentally ill people can be people they like and respect. What's the most shocking think about this? That I'm well-liked and respected and that my weight is under control. These are all in contrary to the self-image that I so carefully crafted in my youth.
Now for breakfast. I think it's eggs Horvendile made with the mini-bagels that came in the pastry dish. I'm not sure if that's wise.
Late breaking news. I think I have a SD card port in my computer. Don't worry, I still get anxious about loading the photos so it will count as the scary thing of the day.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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