I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
July 20, 2017 - 10:58 a.m.
Today I tell the uneventful tale of how I spent my birthday. I have political and philosophical things to write about but I find myself drawn of late to writing about the fights going on inside my head. I might end up writing about fights with comic book villains. I'm not going to worry about it. I'm not going to plan this out. We'll just see what my fingers type.
Speaking of not planning, my eating schedule. After I blogged I made breakfast. I was supposed to eat breakfast early but I forgot. I had a smaller and faster to make breakfast than the bacon and eggs I had planned, sausageeggandcheese on a hamburger role. Then I got dressed and headed into the City to meet Dan for lunch. I ate lunch two hours after finishing breakfast. We went to a Chinese buffet. It was a pay by weight place. When did that start? I don't remember that as a child or even in my twenties. It is so strange, it doesn't matter what the food is, only it's weight. There is nothing else remotely like it. I had four kinds of chicken, pork, plantains, and watermelon. Plantains and watermelon are far cheaper than meats. I felt I was giving the restaurant a break putting them in my dish. The best part was the conversation with Dan. My guilty pleasure is that telling him all my snarks about other people. I never want to hurt anyone but I think of good takedown of people all the time. He gets to hear them. Don't worry, they are not about my friends. At least not my friends that don't like Dawes.
After lunch Dan went back to work and I went home. He works near Bowling Green. I thought of taking a ride on the Staten Island Ferry for my birthday. I decided not to. It was hot but that wasn't the main reason; that was in my head. I was fighting depression again. The meds help and I experience it differently but it's not gone. I spent the morning reading all my happy birthday wishes on Facebook. I'm always insecure about people liking me so I enjoy that. Here's where the depression kicks in. Someone that I know was on Facebook and expect to not only sing my card but do more than be perfunctory, didn't; that put me in a funk. Rationally I know that's silly but rationality has nothing to do with it. It bothered me and knowing that it shouldn't doesn't help. I am able to shake it off without even meditating, just thinking about something else, but it kept popping back in my head.
There were internet changes when I came home. Jane and Bernie had used Direct TV and a DSL line. Yesterday they switched to Fios. The Verizon guys were here when I went out. They were finished when I got home. Fios is much better but it doesn't work well if you don't have the password for the new network. It took me a bit to figure out what was wrong as they did not remove our old network so my computer was still logged into it. There was just no internet. Then I went downstairs in search of the password. I was afraid of this when I left. I asked Bernie where it was and he said on the table but there's lots of things on the table. Jane finally found it. I found the booklet which said that the password was on the router. I knew that, it's always on the router. Next job was finding the router. I did but just used what was written down by the installer. The password didn't work. I quadruple checked it. It didn't work. I went to the router and cleverly took a photo of the password with my phone. I discovered the problem. The installer and mixed upper and lowercase letters. The actual password was all lower case. Didn't he know that makes a difference? He made sure to write the zeros with the slash in them. When I followed what was on the modem it worked. Today's mission is to change it to something we can remember. I told Jane what it was and she approved.
There's a problem; the signal is very week upstairs where I am. Verizon installed a router inappropriate for a duplex. I hope that can be changed. Even with the week signal the internet is so much faster now.
At around 9 PM I was going through my new birthday greetings. I got alerts that weren't showing up on my timeline. I finally figured out that I had to click on "see more" in tiny font and it would give me ten more well wishes. When I got near my earliest ones, from right after I first checked, I found the one from the person that I thought hadn't sent me one and it wasn't perfunctory. Yeah, I was in a funk for nothing. Without the meds, I'd have been miserable. This wasn't that bad.
I then took far stronger meds. Jane and Bernie had been out and brought me back Munchkins from Dunkin' Donuts to go with the ice cream I told them I'd be having. I got totally decadent. I put five Munchkins in a bowl. I put dark chocolate espresso ice cream on top of it. I melted peanut butter in the microwave and poured it on the ice cream. I topped it with chocolate sauce. Hey, it was my birthday; the one and only time I am going to turn 60; I can live out the dreams of a five-year-old. That's 60 months, almost the same thing.
My birthday present to myself was paying for a movie. What classic intellectual film did I choose? The Avengers: Age of Ultron. It fills in holes in Agents of Shield. The events in it are often referred to on the show. I wish I had seen it first. Now I have to see the other Avengers films I've missed. Captain America: The Winter Soldier is next even though I prefer Thor. It is closely related to events on Agents of Shield. I was disappointed to discover how much the latest season of Shield is a rip-off of Ultron.
Back to my birthday, I got calls from both my sisters. That was good. I need to talk to them more. That's all I have to say about that? it's too short for a paragraph. Maybe if I add this sentence it won't look so skimpy. Not quite there. That's enough.
I took care of one anxiety producing thing already this morning. Let's see if I can do a few more. Just thinking of it makes the anxiety rise. I'll change the subject to be being an idiot. I had a text that I had mail in my PO box yesterday. The plan was to pick it up after lunch. I forgot. Another year old but no wiser. I got another text about mail today. I can make believe that I anticipated that and knew I'd have to go to the post office today anyway. Yeah, that's totally it. I'm older and better at making excuses.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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