I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
February 26, 2015 - 11:43 a.m.
Why do I have to force myself to do things that I want to do … like write this. Then I have to set up the next John Platt's On Your Radar event. I want to do that yet I find myself resisting. Sometimes it really is hard being me.
Yesterday I had my weekly get my life in order with Carolann. That could be the name of a reality TV show. Carolann you up for it? We'll become Billionaires. As you know I raced to finish writing Wise Madness before I left. I showered the night before to save time so I could do that. I failed. I ended up not posting till the late afternoon. I bet you missed it. OK you can go back and read it now. It was a very good one. ARRRGGHHHH! I never posted that. OK I will do that right now. You are getting two entries for the price of one today. Why were there no howls of protest? Why were you begging me to post? I'm very disappointed in My Gentle Readers. I know I'm an idiot. I expect better of you. OK go read it now, It All Comes Together
You back and ready to read more? I hope so. I was wondering why it didn't garner a single like or comment. Hey you want to help spread the word of Wise Madness. Comment and like the Facebook post linking to it. Even better share it. the more you interact with the post the more people see it.
OK now that we've established that I'm an idiot, yes again, let's move on. This was a big day.
OK so for once I didn't miss my train. I need to take the 10:40 to get to the Main Branch of the Brooklyn Public Library where I meet Carolann at 11:00. If I miss it I get there ten minute late. I feel guilty then. When the train I just delayed, hey that happens and it's not like we are missing the beginning of a movie. I'm never too late.
OK so I get there on time and my vision was doing extra good and Carolann was sitting in the front so I spotted her before she waved. That was a good omen.
In both therapy and my session with Carolann I usually start by beating around the bush. It's easier with Carolann as we have a lot of common interest and people we can talk about. Usually she has to be the one that makes us get down to business. This time I was good even though it was extra scary. For those of you not reading me regularly I'll need to give a bit of back story. Back when I was a child in Gimmelshtump. Oh wait that's a Doctor Doofenshmirtz back story not mine. I am owed a lot of money from my school. It isn't their fault. One way my anxiety manifests itself is making it difficult for me to deposit checks. I know that sounds absurd and irrational. It is absurd and irrational. That's why anxiety disorder is a disorder. If it was rational it would be self-preservation. For years I have been afraid to do anything about it. It was too scary to face the school and tell them, "um I was an idiot and didn't cash my checks." I know it's not about being an idiot. And I don't care what other people think but it still gave me the heebee geebies. Once again it's not rational. I know better but my fight or fight hormones don't.
With Carolann's help I finally called the payroll department and talked to somebody about it. I wish I could give her name, it's a great name, but I don't know her well enough to use it here. At first I felt that she was putting me off. She said it would take a few weeks to investigate. But then after a few weeks I got a big envelope in my mailbox on Friday. It was from payroll! I of course was afraid to open it. Remember, not rational.
So after a little bit of small talk I took out the big envelope. I opened it. It was filled with a thick sheaf of papers that all looked the same. The print was small and my anxiety was big so I asked Carolann to read it for me. Each sheet of paper was a form asking me to confirm that I never got the check and that they'd pay me for it! Yes I'm going to have money, real money. I mean real real money. Remember each sheet in that sheaf represented a check. I had to sign each one. I felt like Jerry Seinfeld signing those Japanese royalty checks but each of these was for a lot more than 10¢. You can do the happydance now.
Then we accomplished more. I called my insurance company. I hadn't paid them because I had no money. I have the money now, from a friend, I haven't gotten the school money yet. They told me that I can't pay that my insurance has canceled. I asked to speak to a supervisor. He said, "it isn't us. The New York State Department of Health makes us do this. Talk to them. So I did. the wonderful guy there told me that the guy at the insurance company was lying to me. He sent the insurance company at file saying to insure me starting me in April. And he told me to call them on Friday and tell them to take my money and insure me right now. He was great, totally sympathetic with me and totally scornful of the people I talked to at the insurance company. I love it. I told him to tell his supervisor that he deserves a raise.
So we accomplished quite a bit. Then I had to get all those forms out to payroll in Old Westbury. I went to my school in Manhattan. I figured I'd give it to Reggie to put in interoffice mail. He wasn't there! I got an interoffice mail envelope, used the return address label from the envelope to me. Taped it to the new envelope. and left it in the outgoing mail box. I know somebody comes every day to pick that up.
So I actually got things done yesterday to make my life better. I celebrated by getting a donut at Dunkin' Donuts. I'm a wild man. I will actually go out for dinner someplace I like.
Brother Brothers in Arms - October 01, 2017
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