I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
May 27, 2015 - 11:08 a.m.
Getting myself to start writing is a watershed each and every day. I would feel like I lost a friend if I didn't write but it's so hard to start.
Monday was Memorial Day so my therapy was moved to Tuesday. So yesterday felt like Monday to me. Unfortunately the bagel store near therapy did not honor their half-priced bagel deal even when I told them that they should because that's how it felt to me. Why doesn't the world adjust to suit my needs? I'm joking but there are some people that not only feel that way but don't realize how silly it sounds.
There are two aspects to my therapy. One is dealing with the issues that made me go to therapy, essentially my anxiety. That's the tough part, it gives me anxiety dealing with my anxiety. That actually makes a lot of sense. People with phobias often have a metaphobia. They fear losing their fear. That also makes sense. If you are afraid of flying and get cured you might then start flying. So thinking about getting cured makes you think about the thing you are afraid of. People's minds are very much non-linear. That's a bit part of why it's so hard to develop the science of psychology.
The second part of therapy is talking about the things I can't talk about with anyone else. That's my reward for the hard part. Yesterday I had a lot to talk about, I had a busy week. I somehow forgot the interpersonal thing that bothered me the most that I have no one to talk to about other than my therapist. Funny thing is that not having someone to talk to is very much what I wanted to talk about. See this is non-linear too. The toughest thing is that it would make the most interesting thing for me to write about but of course I can't. It's interpersonal, it involves other people.
After therapy I went to the bagel store and bought half as many bagels as I usually do. That wasn't so much because they were twice the price but because they were short of salt bagels which is what I wanted.
I went shopping after that. I just realized I forgot to see if English Muffins were on sale. I have to get them if I don't have bagels. I'm so organized with shopping too. I use a phone app. When I run low on something I put it on my shopping list.
What did I make for dinner? Oh right, barbecue chicken and cinnamon plantains. That was yummy. It was one of those days when I appreciate my own cooking. Yes I didn't do much but it still tasted so good. Most people overcook chicken. I make it perfect. It's not dry at all. I invented the plantain dish. I cut it up, coat the pieces with olive oil then sprinkle cinnamon on top. I could serve that as a dessert. For me it's a side dish.
Herb Gardner's band plays Swing 46 every Wednesday night. The place is closing for renovations and tonight's the last gig till the reopen. I want to go and not just sit there but dance. I sadly realized that there's just one woman I felt comfortable asking to go with me and she can't make it. This is something I talked about in therapy. There's one person I'd like to ask but I know she'll say no so it's pointless. There's another I'd like to ask but she'll probably say no and I don't want to face the rejection. Some dances I go to and there are plenty of women to ask to dance and that's what I do. But this is almost all couples and I don't feel comfortable doing that. So I'm throwing it open to My Gentle Readers. Anyone want to come dance with me? I'm not good but I won't step on your toes.
OK now I have to get going. I'm already behind schedule. I want to visit Lori not LORi this afternoon. I'll go right after I eat
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please hold me accountable.
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