I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
- H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
December 29, 2012 - 3:02 p.m.
I'm slow starting to write today. I don't know why. Like I need a reason to procrastinate. It's the chronoklepts. When's the last time I invoked them? They ruled me yesterday. My original plan was to go to my PO box by school, stop by my office, see the Hobbit and then if I started early enough go down to the PATH Cafe to see Caitlin Mahoney and Jo Kroger. So what happened? I left so late that I had just enough time to get to the Post Office before it closed. Well I would have but then I couldn't find my glasses. I looked all over the Last Homely House West of the Mountains. It is of course difficult for me to find things without my glasses on. I finally decided that they have to be in my room somewhere. They were on top of a box off to the side away from every place I actually go. I have no idea why I put them there when I came home the night before. That delayed me so much that I got to Columbus Circle after the post office closed. So I didn't leave the station. I hopped on the 1 train and went to the Lincoln Square theater. I didn't know what time the film started so I just went in and figured I'd get a ticket to the next show. When I got to the box office I couldn't read the times. My eyes have gotten so bad so fast. I realized if I couldn't read the times I wouldn't be able to see the movie, certainly not in 3D.. I'm scared about my eyes. I was able to watch a movie fine a month ago. My left eye is now shot,. I used to get this in the morning sometimes. Now it is permanent. I bought some eyewash. I think there might be some sort of coating on my eye. I'm going to try washing it regularly and see if it improves If I had insurance I'd be running to a doctor.
So now that the movie was out what was I to do. I had a few hours before Caitlin went on so I decided to eat dinner and see the tree at Rockefeller Center. I ate at Steak and Shake. The chronoklepts made me read while eating and it took longer than it should have. then when I got to Rockefeller station everything was barricaded. You were allowed in but walking was difficult. I gave up and headed back to Seventh Ave and the 1 train. I got to the PATH Cafe about 20 minutes early. I grabbed a seat then went into the bathroom to try the eye wash. I could see quite a bit better when I was done though not perfectly.
When I got back to my seat someone else had sat at my table. He said "hi" like he knew me. He seemed familiar but with my vision problems I'm not as good at recognizing faces as I should be. It turns out that I met him at Jo's holiday show at Rockwood.
I couldn't take the closest table to the stage because there were two guys there so I took the second table. The layout is bad there, a row of tables straight back from the stage so sight lines aren't good. to make things worse one of the guys at the first table wasn't sitting in the line with all the other people but at the side of the table where he directly blocked the view of everyone else. The two guys were making out most of the time and at least that sometimes made him get his head out of the way. When Caitlin started her set they decided that's a good time to start talking. I was right next to them. they could see me bobbing my head so I could see past them to see her. They knew there were people listening. That didn't stop them. They had finished their drinks before I got there. They stayed an hour and a half after I got there making it difficult for me to hear and see the show. They weren't even oblivious. They just didn't care if the bothered other people. I was pretty much ready to kill them. I could just see the headlines:
Double Homicide: Prosecutor Calls It A Hate Crime
The prosecutor would be right. I hate rude people who talk when there's music. instead I moved my seat. I was now behind David, the guy who knew me but he was considerate and moved so it would be easier for me to see and of course didn't talk. I could still hear the two guys but not as loud as there was now a table in between. The waitress gave them their check. They didn't get the hint. At first they let it sit here for 20 minutes. Then they paid it. Then they still didn't leave. They finally left early in Jo's set and I grabbed that table so it wouldn't happen again and as David was at the next table I knew nobody would be talking near me. There was a loud table at the very back but then they realized they were being rude and spoke much softer so I could hear most of Jo's set fine.
I have now found myself in a totally new musical social circle. I met Caitlin and Jo through Kat Quinn who I know through Kathy. She's relatively new to the City and does not know the musicians that I know. I first saw Kat in the last month. I've seen her again since then with Jo and Caitlin. then I saw Jo twice and now Caitlin once on their own. I have to draw them into my circles now. Everyone I know should know everyone else I know.
It is amazing how fast things develop. They already feel like old friends. I got hugs from both of them. The musical world is another skinny mirror. I get immediate and validation and even affection in addition to great music when I go to a show.
Here is some irony. I want to write about how complex my emotional state is now, I'm feeling many things simultaneously but I also want to write about two things simultaneously, the other thing is the music. I always write the personal insights last but the segue to it natural here. So my plan is to just let you know that in an ideal world you could split your brain and read about both simultaneously but for now just remember this is where you should be reading about my emotions,
Of course you should also be reading about the music now too. It always gets me how much good music is out there that I don't know. the problem is that it is hidden amongst the mediocrity. Caitlin and Jo are now part of my musical world. I might even see Jo again tonight. Too bad I don't have a brain,. I wanted to write about one specific song last night but now I forgot the song. I even forgot which of them sang it. Probably Jo as I wasn't distracted and could listen easier But part of me is seeing Caitlin up there. In any event I forgot the song and the brilliant insights I had and can't share it with you anyway. But it was good really good. Neither of them is generic cute sensitive chick with a guitar. They are distinctive cute sensitive chicks with guitars and I should leave off the sensitive. Not that they aren't sensitive but I think that is almost an insult to an artist. It's like setting someone up on a date and saying "she has a good personality." They have things to say you won't hear from other people. That's what matters.
Now back to my emotions. I can't decide which physics metaphor is more apt, catastrophe theory or quantum mechanics. You're more familiar with it so I'll go with the latter. I'm an emotional Schrödinger's Cat. At any moment my emotional state is a superposition of many often contradictory states The cat is both dead and alive at the same time. I'm happy and sad, scared and content, lonely and social. Being homeless is what makes things so complicated. I'm always on the edge of terror and despair. I could make the wave collapse on those states at any time. I have to be careful not to. When I feel the wave starting to collapse I search out one of the other states and amplify it's wave function. The same goes on with my feelings about everyone. I keep imagining terrible things they might say to me next. I fight those thoughts and for the most part win enough that they don't show but they never disappear. I feel like I'm constantly being judged and found wanting in something. And yet as I said I feel wanted and loved too. I remind myself that I'm so annoying that if anyone puts up with me at all there must be some genuine affection. Part of me wants to write this so you'll know that I'm fragile and need to be handled with care. Part of me hates the idea of you thinking like that. Everything is magnified.
I have some scary emails to read. I have to be good and fight the fear and read them because intellectually I know things will be far worse if I don't. I just which somebody would tell my limbic system that. This would be a good time to take meds if I had them. It would be a good time to be attacked by a saber toothed tiger, my fight or flight hormones are flowing freely.
I was just informed by Elrond that pigs in a blanket are coming out of the oven. That's pretty strong medicine.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
The TARDIS and the Fractal - December 29, 2017
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