I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
May 25, 2012 - 4:54 p.m.
Yesterday was a long tiring depressing so that should make it a good story, right?
Pretty much all of my stuff has been locked in my old apartment the last six weeks. Yesterday I finally liberated it. My plan was to get there before the movers and grab things that I need right now, like summer clothes, my camera, the library book(s) I have to return, and my private papers. So I got up early and took the subway to LIRR to a bus and got there early. I was good. I made sure the super knew I was coming and would let me in. I got to my apartment, walked in, and found that pretty much everything I owned was put in black trash bags so I couldn't find anything. That hit me hard. I was so looking forward to getting these things. I was looking forward to getting my belts so my pants don't keep falling down. At least my computer was still there in working order.
The moving men came and moved my life onto their truck. I looked around for things to bring back with me that weren't in trash bags. I filled up two bins. Since I didn't find the clothes I needed I took little personal things from my parents and some of the papers I could find.
Most of the time I just tried to keep out of the moving guys way. I somehow didn't have an anxiety attack and ended up calling people that anxiety had stopped me from calling. One of the people was Lisa who wanted to know if she could help. I realized that I had not planned on a way of getting back from the storage unit so I asked her to drive me. Mainly of course I just wanted to hang out with her.
Once we got to the storage the movers unloaded everything into the unit in less than an hour. They flew. They finished before Lisa got there so she ended up meeting me at the bank then she drove me back to Brooklyn.
Wow that wasn't a good story. If I had been awake enough to write this last night it could have been. Then I was filled with the odor of freshly crushed soul. I don't want to feel like that again but it will make this more interesting. So here's the basic problem. My stuff is now in a storage unit that isn't someplace that is easy to get to. It is going to take many, many, many trips there for me to find anything. I might end up having to buy a new summer wardrobe. I might not get lots of things I need till after I find a permanent place to live, and that includes things for Falcon Ridge which means buying lots of new stuff for that too. Then I'll have twice as much stuff as I need at a time when I'm trying to have less stuff since I'm sure I'll be moving into someplace smaller.
After Lisa left I crashed for a while, a long while. I wasn't just tired I was depressed. I spent all this time and effort on something that I had to do but didn't make me feel any better. People say, "don't you feel good that you go it done? The answer is no. Hey you have to breathe. Would you feel good if you had to run around all day to get a breath? Sure you need it to live but that isn't what I call living.
As I said I didn't have an anxiety attack and that's good. I did get depressed. Does one lead to the other? Did I set myself up for future attacks? Yesterday really was something to dread. There will be more things I'm sure. This isn't going to be an easy time for me.
It was great spending time with Lisa. She just moved back here from The State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations. Yes I just wanted to say the full name out.
Today I came into the city because I had to get access to my gradebook spreadsheet. Students are asking me about why they got their grades. You'd think that someone that didn't crack a 50 on a test would understand why he failed. Or maybe you wouldn't. While I was here I picked up my ticket for my first Met game of the season from Alan. He works on the same block as my school a few days a week. That was convenient.
I was going to do stuff in the City after I wrote this but ended up spending the day playing with Carey online. Carey is always good medicine after my soul's been crushed. So is cheesecake. I got some last night after dinner from the supermarket.
I want to do something fun tonight. I might see a play. I should walk through Central Park while it is still light and beautiful out. I should have brought a jacket because it's already cooled down. I'll see what happens. I'm going to pamper myself today. That's the one thing I know for sure.
It's time to head out from my office. I'm not the only one here and that defeats the whole purpose of staying, so I'd have private time.
I signed the Pro-Truth Pledge:
please hold me accountable.
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Horvendile May 25, 2012
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