I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Edgar Allen Poe
The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one's time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
-H. L. Mencken
Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so
What I have been telling you, from alpha to omega, what is the one great thing the sigil taught me — that everything in life is miraculous. For the sigil taught me that it rests within the power of each of us to awaken at will from a dragging nightmare of life made up of unimportant tasks and tedious useless little habits, to see life as it really is, and to rejoice in its exquisite wonderfulness. If the sigil were proved to be the top of a tomato-can, it would not alter that big fact, nor my fixed faith. No Harrowby, the common names we call things by do not matter — except to show how very dull we are ...
-James Branch Cabell
February 28, 2015 - 1:13 p.m.
Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. I chickened out and didn't call the insurance company yesterday. No this is not a moral sin and it does no good to beat myself up over it. But it's so frustrating. As soon as I gave in and admitted to myself that I wasn't calling it felt better. I think that's what people don't get. They always say how much better I'll feel after I do something. Do other people with anxiety feel the same way? Of course now I feel worse. It isn't rational. I know I should have called. It is actually operant conditioning. When I move to call I get punished by feeling anxiety. When I don't I get rewarded by the anxiety easing. I'm just like B.F. Skinner's rats and pigeons.
Wow I exploded out of the blocks today. Usually I have to start off slowly with an introduction. I guess I had this building up inside me. It was my second bad mental health day in a row. Today I am having major therapy, a chocolate party! Ironically last year I didn't go because of anxiety. This year I’m making sure to go because of anxiety. Of course who knows what happens when it gets closer to the time to leave.
Now I'm getting anxious that nobody wants to read about my anxiety.
Once it was too late to call I watched the James Bond film Skyfall. I thought I had seen it but I hadn't. it was the 50th anniversary of the series. I can pretty much always enjoy a Bond film except for some of the Roger Moore. Skyfall was grittier than most. It deliberately eschewed gadgets. It was dark. I liked that mood. I loved the nods to the original Connery films. It had THE Bond car, the Astin Martin from Goldfinger. It also had way to many of my least favorite film tropes; The car chase with tons of crashes amid crowds of people but nobody getting hurt, the empty public space with absolutely no security, People in a fight wasting their time talking instead of just shooting the enemy when they have a chance. I really should have made a list. But Craig is a good bond and I could still enjoy it.
I did leave the house yesterday to go to Trader Joe's. Friday night is almost as good as Saturday if you want to not have to wait on line. I tried something new, shredded hash browns. They didn't have the bricks I usually buy. This isn't as easy but this might be cheaper. I don't know how much the other weighs. We'll see how long this lasts. It is cheap, as much as buying a few whole potatoes. They were good too. I made it last night.
I'm thinking of rereading Jurgen: A Comedy of Justice by James Branch Cabell. My copy, well my copies, I own many editions of it, are in storage. I have one that I bought for someone else. This was odd. I met someone. We really hit it off. We talked books. She was excited about what I told her about Jurgen, I bought her a copy to give her the next time I saw her. I used to buy everyone a copy. I was like the Mormons trying to convert people. For the most part I was unsuccessful. Most people didn't like it. So if I meet someone that sounds interested I leap into action. And then I never saw her again. Good thing I procrastinated and didn't inscribe the poem I wrote. Yes I don't only give the book away but I inscribe it. Raise your hand if I gave you a copy. Don't look puzzled. I pretty much stopped doing this ten years ago. I did it again because she showed such interest.
But that's not my point. My point is the calculator. No that's not my point. My point is it's time I reread it. It's one of those books I have to revisit. I was thinking about it last night. I was even talking about it with someone. One of Jurgen's lovers, the sybaritic goddess Anaitis said that "All we really have is the brief loan of our bodies. But that our bodies are capable of many curious pleasures." Jurgen lived an interesting life. He also had an affair with Satan's wife. I wish I had The Cream of the Jest. That's the Cabell book where Horvendile is the main character. Yes that's where that strange name comes from. He does appear in Jurgen too. Horvendile, Jurgen, and Perion de la Forêt. each loved one of the daughters of Comte Manuel, Ettarre, Dorothy, and Meliscent respectively. My heart will always belong to La Beale Ettarre.
OK it's after one and I haven't eaten. I better get to it. Bacon and eggs today? With hash browns? We'll see.
A Comedy of Anxiety - February 28, 2015